onemorepanic

On a May march home in the gentle breeze of this salt stained town, I'm measuring my worth in Twisted Metal Black scores, audioscrobbler stats, and girl's phone numbers transcribed on random lottery tickets.

I don't know their names. I might not ever call them. It's just something to justify worth against. It's something useless to show off to my friends. Something I will never use, a situation never enacted. A pocketfull of potential without ever loading the clip.

I smile and consider the circumstances this summer will provide for me. I place myself against the black construction paper future and feign poked holes, and plot the ones i'll make. My future may be a terrible place, spread with scars and desparity, instances and reprucussions that'll leave me diseased or worse. Or maybe, just maybe it'll become that possible strike against all that we've come to expect, that we've all been praying for.

With a swift bolt of reinforcement a car full of women twice my age round the corner, the one sitting shotgun waves and says hello, I say Hi, and she says I love you.
Before I can even consider what's transgressing I'm reciprocating, "I love you...?". They drive off, letting me know where I stand. 2 in the morning, readjusting my values.

With a weekend full of standards displaced.

Sometimes we do things just to sabotage the good standing that stands around us. Sometimes it's not all that complicated, sometimes it's animalistic, sometimes it's spiteful.
Without reason even, sometimes we just like to get our way no matter what it does to the one's we respect and love. Sometimes it involves alcohol. Sometimes it involves a woman.

Most of the time it involves both.

I'll take this breath here. To apologize that this is a blog entry and not a phone call. Or something meaningful, like some face to face discourse.

It's when friends offer you ultimatums is when you know you're fucking up. The fact that you should know, even before they're offered, it's where you're fucking up.
Ultimatums should never exist between friends.
They're that black scar against your relationship.
That I can only trust you as far as I can throw you.

All the signs say red flag. Yet you persist, because all barricades are down, you're wounded but not down yet.
You say miserable things, that only a desperate trapped animal could speak, and you say it with a hideous smirk.

You become your own lowest common denominator.

When you disrespect the one's around you, you have no choice but to be sorry. You wish you were stronger than sorry. You wish you could appropriate everything into suitable futures. You wish you could adhere the big band-aid, but you never, never wish it never happened.

This is an aspect of you, you need to not only consider, but must shut down. Pull the lever, this fucker is way too important.

You're a dumb fuck and you acknowledge it.
It's about time to start paying up to your own self-indulgent bullshit and start considering the fact that these people might not be there for you when you wake up.

It's time for fucking apologies.