Just over a year now. That is how long I have been doing fairly well, feeling good, somewhat content. The last stretch of this feeling was in '02 and last about 6 months so I did better this time.
I think it is all over now. Just starting to feel that old me coursing through my veins. So much to it. I was happy because I am making a good bit of money, got my bills paid off, saving some cash, did some travelling, getting some school done, working out, no real worries, just living in a small place and working. Sure all of that is good on the surface.
But throw on top of that the fact that I am a contractor doing armed security protecting the US military and that rocks. I am former military, 9+ years worth, I have no problem keeping those guys safe. It is the fact that our government is supporting the wrong fucking cause over here and paying a shitload of money to do so based on Saudi influence. That makes me sick and conflicted.
I also can't ignore the world around me, never have been able to. I see so much sickness and total shit in this world. Just the little battles, people being wrong and being called on it and turning around and filing a complaint against you. Bias, neopotism, fucking bullshit. Seeing the evils of humanity and the fact that the world is a bunch of fucking sheep.
The fact that I try hard, I am a good dude, I break my fucking neck for my friends, but like all things I am an after thought. Only 1 of my few friends in touch with me on a regular basis, he is the one who has no life like me. All my friends and 4 relatives who have families have very little time for me. I rarely hear from any of them and I can't even get my cousin to forward my fucking mail. Hell, look at SuicideGirls. I have 4 friends, 1 is the same person and the other is inactive. So that means 2 friends. I had 5 but one ended friendship and I don't know why. I comment on peoples threads, throw compliments and all that but nothing. The story of my life.
The fact that I am coming up on 35 and am fucking lost. I know I want to move to Germany but that is it. Fucking lost.
The girl issue. Nothing but empty hope in that. Been months since I poured my soul out into an 8 page letter that has yet to be addressed. She can't even fucking write me a email. Maybe if I was on MySpace she would fucking talk to me.
This world is fucked, people are fucked and I am riding the motherfucker into the ground. This is just the tip of the iceberg, we are just getting started. People here thought I was kind of anti-social before, shit. The old me is coming back, the old anger, the old rage, the old despair. No matter how good things get I am still nihilistic and hate this fucking world. There is so little good in this world and no matter how much good is in me it doesn't make a fuck of a difference.
This is the start, the restart of what I have always been but hide from sometimes. I am done trying for a while. No one else has time, why should I?
Pay homage to this girl: Bully
She is about the only person who gave me the time of day on this site, even before she was live.
FTW
I think it is all over now. Just starting to feel that old me coursing through my veins. So much to it. I was happy because I am making a good bit of money, got my bills paid off, saving some cash, did some travelling, getting some school done, working out, no real worries, just living in a small place and working. Sure all of that is good on the surface.
But throw on top of that the fact that I am a contractor doing armed security protecting the US military and that rocks. I am former military, 9+ years worth, I have no problem keeping those guys safe. It is the fact that our government is supporting the wrong fucking cause over here and paying a shitload of money to do so based on Saudi influence. That makes me sick and conflicted.
I also can't ignore the world around me, never have been able to. I see so much sickness and total shit in this world. Just the little battles, people being wrong and being called on it and turning around and filing a complaint against you. Bias, neopotism, fucking bullshit. Seeing the evils of humanity and the fact that the world is a bunch of fucking sheep.
The fact that I try hard, I am a good dude, I break my fucking neck for my friends, but like all things I am an after thought. Only 1 of my few friends in touch with me on a regular basis, he is the one who has no life like me. All my friends and 4 relatives who have families have very little time for me. I rarely hear from any of them and I can't even get my cousin to forward my fucking mail. Hell, look at SuicideGirls. I have 4 friends, 1 is the same person and the other is inactive. So that means 2 friends. I had 5 but one ended friendship and I don't know why. I comment on peoples threads, throw compliments and all that but nothing. The story of my life.
The fact that I am coming up on 35 and am fucking lost. I know I want to move to Germany but that is it. Fucking lost.
The girl issue. Nothing but empty hope in that. Been months since I poured my soul out into an 8 page letter that has yet to be addressed. She can't even fucking write me a email. Maybe if I was on MySpace she would fucking talk to me.
This world is fucked, people are fucked and I am riding the motherfucker into the ground. This is just the tip of the iceberg, we are just getting started. People here thought I was kind of anti-social before, shit. The old me is coming back, the old anger, the old rage, the old despair. No matter how good things get I am still nihilistic and hate this fucking world. There is so little good in this world and no matter how much good is in me it doesn't make a fuck of a difference.
This is the start, the restart of what I have always been but hide from sometimes. I am done trying for a while. No one else has time, why should I?
Pay homage to this girl: Bully
She is about the only person who gave me the time of day on this site, even before she was live.
FTW
gayballs:
Bully's hoooooooooooooooot