This needs to come out before i explode all over the monitor. Dad's already had to clean up one big mess today [Cinta took a dump on the carpet], so i'd hate to make him get the bucket out again.
At the start of August the year before last i checked myself into Delmont Private Hospital. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Could hardly hold my eyes open.
For the 8 months before that i'd worked at a swimming pool kiosk and in the month leading up to my hospitalisation i'd worked myself to the bone. I was stressed out and beside myself. I had hardly slept in that month and contemplated suicide constantly. The only reason i didn't try was because i didn't want to let anybody down. Knowing how hurt i felt seeing the disappointment in my parents eyes, i thought that i couldn't possibly quit and return to being basically nothing. Giving up was not an option.
So when i went into them that Sunday morning to ask them to book me a room at the hospital, i felt as though i had died. They were so understanding and concerned. I guess deep down the only person i was really scared of letting down was myself.
Duane came with me when i signed in but i don't really remember what happened after that. I slept for a few days. I was given sleeping tablets and some valium for in case i had a panic attack. There was a blade in my bag but i never even looked at it. This was about me getting better.
After a couple of days i let people come and see me. I started to feel a little better and regained some strength.
After a while i booked myself out and called up my old work, as i'd been reassured many times that they would love to have me back when i was feeling better. Alas, that was not the case. The company had closed down and i couldn't get onto them for a reference. I was jobless and confused.
Still feeling semi-messed up, i moved out of home and spent a year doing basically jack shit. I volunteered at places to try and get my confidence up, but never stayed long.
Christmas 2005 i od'ed on sleeping tablets and spent a few days in bed with Chris taking care of me. Every few weeks my anxiety got worse. It got to the point when i'd cancel on my best mates just to sit at home alone. I didn't watch tv. I didn't really eat. I just read books and wrote letters to people. When i forced myself to go out somewhere i got in a bad mood or turned shy and couldn't talk to anybody. In my head i knew this wasn't me, and my friends knew it too, but they let me deal with it my own way knowing that i'd snap out of it eventually.
Late last year i moved back home, as i was so lonely and needed to be with Brodie and my brother...the two constants in my life. I know that even when i have nobody in the world, they will still be there for me. Since moving home i've slowly started to build a foundation for myself. I've gotten in touch with old friends, made new ones and started seeing a psychologist. The nursing thing fell through, but that was something i think i needed to do in order to realise what professions aren't for me. In the last couple of months i've felt stronger and determined. I've lost some of my anxiety and hopefully it will stay that way.
I was scared of how i would react if i didn't get this job at Target, but i succeeded and started work at 8am this morning. My mind has been buzzing with 'what ifs' and confusion, but the people are nice and the place has a good vibe. I don't know how long i'll be there for. I've spent months starting things and then dropping them right when i get into the swing of things.
I guess the hardest thing will be for me to continue with my work after my first big fuck up or hurdle.A couple of people seem to think it's funny to joke about how long i'll last before i'm back on centrelink, but i'm not laughing. If you're not going to support me you can rack off.
I know that there's only one way to fall back down, and that's if i give up on myself...and i'm not going to. Not now.
Flick-Vicious
"I haven't got it all figured out quite yet...even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be...if I should fall to the bottom of the end I'll be one step back to you... trying to find my way the best that i know how"
At the start of August the year before last i checked myself into Delmont Private Hospital. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Could hardly hold my eyes open.
For the 8 months before that i'd worked at a swimming pool kiosk and in the month leading up to my hospitalisation i'd worked myself to the bone. I was stressed out and beside myself. I had hardly slept in that month and contemplated suicide constantly. The only reason i didn't try was because i didn't want to let anybody down. Knowing how hurt i felt seeing the disappointment in my parents eyes, i thought that i couldn't possibly quit and return to being basically nothing. Giving up was not an option.
So when i went into them that Sunday morning to ask them to book me a room at the hospital, i felt as though i had died. They were so understanding and concerned. I guess deep down the only person i was really scared of letting down was myself.
Duane came with me when i signed in but i don't really remember what happened after that. I slept for a few days. I was given sleeping tablets and some valium for in case i had a panic attack. There was a blade in my bag but i never even looked at it. This was about me getting better.
After a couple of days i let people come and see me. I started to feel a little better and regained some strength.
After a while i booked myself out and called up my old work, as i'd been reassured many times that they would love to have me back when i was feeling better. Alas, that was not the case. The company had closed down and i couldn't get onto them for a reference. I was jobless and confused.
Still feeling semi-messed up, i moved out of home and spent a year doing basically jack shit. I volunteered at places to try and get my confidence up, but never stayed long.
Christmas 2005 i od'ed on sleeping tablets and spent a few days in bed with Chris taking care of me. Every few weeks my anxiety got worse. It got to the point when i'd cancel on my best mates just to sit at home alone. I didn't watch tv. I didn't really eat. I just read books and wrote letters to people. When i forced myself to go out somewhere i got in a bad mood or turned shy and couldn't talk to anybody. In my head i knew this wasn't me, and my friends knew it too, but they let me deal with it my own way knowing that i'd snap out of it eventually.
Late last year i moved back home, as i was so lonely and needed to be with Brodie and my brother...the two constants in my life. I know that even when i have nobody in the world, they will still be there for me. Since moving home i've slowly started to build a foundation for myself. I've gotten in touch with old friends, made new ones and started seeing a psychologist. The nursing thing fell through, but that was something i think i needed to do in order to realise what professions aren't for me. In the last couple of months i've felt stronger and determined. I've lost some of my anxiety and hopefully it will stay that way.
I was scared of how i would react if i didn't get this job at Target, but i succeeded and started work at 8am this morning. My mind has been buzzing with 'what ifs' and confusion, but the people are nice and the place has a good vibe. I don't know how long i'll be there for. I've spent months starting things and then dropping them right when i get into the swing of things.
I guess the hardest thing will be for me to continue with my work after my first big fuck up or hurdle.A couple of people seem to think it's funny to joke about how long i'll last before i'm back on centrelink, but i'm not laughing. If you're not going to support me you can rack off.
I know that there's only one way to fall back down, and that's if i give up on myself...and i'm not going to. Not now.
Flick-Vicious
"I haven't got it all figured out quite yet...even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be...if I should fall to the bottom of the end I'll be one step back to you... trying to find my way the best that i know how"
These things shape you into what you will become both in life and as a person. You seem very intelligent and know how to handle some of the more difficult aspects of stress! Just remember, we are never alone in anything we do
thank you!!
i feel proud to be in your favorites
and you are my favorite too !!!!