omaru

I was listening to the radio the other day, when I heard "hanging by a moment" by Lifehouse and as it played, I was taken back to 2001.

Back then I was depressed, low confidence kind of guy, with no social life....my how times change!

But seriously, I was in really messed up place, I went to the doctors with depression and I got one booked session with a pyschotherapist and a weeks supply of Cipramil, they never told me to go back so I thought 'well they don't seem want to help me, fuck em' and I never did.

I spent an eternity in what can only be called unemployment limbo, going to bed at 5am, waking up at 11:00, hating my life, lounging around watching Blue Clues on Nick Jr. then going to restart courses, with a bunch of other people who could have been future Jeremy Kyle guests.... it really was not an uplifiting experience.

But through it all i had internet chat, paid for my by my brother because I was the scum sucking leech on society, and chat was a great escape for what was months of job searching, late nights and nothing but bleak reality. One of my friends of the time sent me a song, the same lifehouse song mentioned above, but then he sent me the acoustic version too, which to me sounded raw and more heartfelt. I I tried to get along with <BamBam> for the most part, but he was a bit egotistical too to boot, he had a (what was the fastest speed back then 1mb? 500k?) fast connection, while I struggled on borrowed dial up. He was also cocky and arrogant, traits that would eventually separate us completely, but for a while we had lifehouse. That and <Indigo'> she was a chinese girl much like Bambam (he was an hong konganese londoner by the name of Tim) and she was Lilly, not pronounced lilly, and not Lee-lee either. But her british name was Sarah.

The thing about being a depressed, low confidence kind of guy, is that you get very spiteful and hate-filled. Half of my battles with Tim ended with me raging, and getting kicked or banned, Sarah would try and calm me down and I just shat back in her face we'd connected so well on things, private things that you wouldn't tell a stranger, but here were were two kindred spirits in confidence until I was hurting and wanted to hurt others... and I'd draw upon those things to be a complete cunt. The last time I ever 'saw' sarah was about 6 months after our big fall out, in the meantime me and Tim continued to squabble like worst enemies, but she came back and she was changed, it was like I had robbed her of everything. She was drunk, high, I dunno what, she seemed barely cognizant or had little regard for things, I kind of made peace with her and apologised, but it felt like falling on deaf ears, She accepted it, but she seemed too distressed to really acknoledge it. After that we never spoke again.

But whenever I hear that song, I think of Indigo, of BamBam, the messed up little emo cunt by the net handle <Mister^CK> (and yeah people called me emo, back in 2001 before I even knew what the term meant) 19 year old. And well my life went from completely fucked up to rather contented somewhat, and though I know Tim is okay cause he was that kind of guy who could shake anything, I really Hope Sarah turned out okay too.

Anyway heres the song that inspired this post


And I'll never worry about people reading these blogs, they are mostly for me, to serve as a reminder of mistakes past.