olsen

Apologies in advance for this rant, but it's really the only place I can rant away from people who are indirectly involved.

My boyfriend of almost three years is a recovering asshole.

Which is to say that he spent the first year of our relationship cheating on me, and for some reason I stayed with him. He's grown up a lot, and is generally really thoughtful and sweet, but sometimes he just has these moments.

.....He recently got back in touch with the girl he cheated on me with in the biggest way. She and I are really close by now, and so it was actually me who initiated that in a way, but still. It took a huge leap of trust to be ready for them to be talking again, muchless getting really close again. And I've been fine with that.


But tonight he told me that he got an email from this other girl, Megan. I hate her. I've never met her, I just know that for a very long time they would trade long heartfelt emails. I kept saying I was uncomfortable with it and felt like he was just lining up sex partners to be available the moment something changes in his relationship with me.

Every time I expressed that concern, he dismissed it, belittling me to act as if I was being childish and suspicious and unreasonable.

....And then he sent her an email discussing the logistics of sex between them in the future.

....Of course I felt angry and hurt and betrayed. Not only was he carrying on a heavy emotional relationship with this girl who made me uncomfortable, but he actually did exactly what I had feared he would do; exactly what he had guilt tripped me for suspecting.

That was probably a year and a half ago. Since then, he has told me on several occasions that he has gotten out of touch with her, told her in absolutely certain terms that he couldn't be friends with her, that their relationship was damaging ours, etc.

And when he did actually get out of touch with her? Our relationship improved. Suddenly he was confiding in me, listening to me, pouring that energy into me. He finally started treating me like his girlfriend.

And yet every few months she emails him again; clearly she has not gotten the memo, which either means that she wants something from him that he doesn't want to give, or (more likely) that he didn't tell her No clearly enough. And, on a few occasions, she has gotten back in touch with him, I have seen her name in his inbox, and when I asked him if he's heard from her, he lied to my face about it until I said outright that I had seen her email.

I don't like her. I don't like her talking to him. I don't trust him with her, and I don't trust her in general. She strikes me as very cutesy, manipulative, and empty. And I think, given the circumstances, I think I have every right to feel hurt, angry and frightened by her.

.....So tonight, when he told me that she had emailed him, I didn't treat my feelings like something to be ashamed of.

I didn't yell, but I certainly didn't sugar coat my reaction, or apologize for it.

......And he acted like I was being a bitch.

How is it bitchy for me to react negatively to his contact with a person who has spurred him to deceive and hurt me time and again. Who commanded more of his compassion and confidance than I ever could while she was around?

I hate her and I should.

Anything less would be a lack of survival instinct. Animals get burned, and they learn to hate fire.

So what if I go on to say the fire is hot? I'm just sharing what I've learned.

So how am I the bad guy here?