We all have those silly little traits that we hide deep down inside. Sometimes they come out, and sometimes we are able to pretend they never exsited....all in a effort to overcome them one at a time.
I am sitting in a cafe treating myself to one last cheat meal (and budget cheat) before I begin my evolution. I have spent the years since I have graduated high school truly learning who it is that I am as a person vs who I strive to be. As humans we will never be perfet, but life isn't about perfection (no matter what my OCD tells me), it's about individual happiness.
If we rewind back a little bit.....you will notice the differences I have made within myself and within the tiny bit of the universe I call home.
I suffer from agoraphobia
This has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember.
The fear is so debilitating that I refused to eat at lunch while in high school due to the fear of making my way through the lunch line and eating in public (ther eating in public stems from something very specific). Eventually the counsler walked me up and helped me because my friends realized I hadn't eaten at school for the first 3 weeks.
As I got older the fear grew and grew....possibly becuase more people enabled me than forced me (in a healthy fashion) to help myslef.
When I was 20 yeras old I was shopping at the mall with my ex. We decided to stop in the food court for lunch before heading off to conquer the rest of the shops. I wanted one place and she wanted another. My food was ready first so I sat down to eat. As I went to take the first bite a massive panic attack came on that I was not ready for. Since I was a child, I've belived that if I could not see you, you could not see me. So as the tears started and the shallow breathing persited, I covered my eyes and felt like I was dying.
Then life happened....on Feb 14, 6 years ago, I was dumped. I was not ready at all...and I was not stable. My insecurites all bubbled to the surface and the phobias took over.
When my attacks are at their worst.....I get cold sweats, tunnel vision, nausea, vomit, and pass out as white as a ghost all within 30 seconds of the on set. I am affected my fear, stress, heat (it was smart moving to the desert), lack of control, insecurities, new enviromnts, and many other things people find so trivial.
After having been homeless for a year, I finally had a place in Venice Beach, CA, I was attending Toni & Guy, and I was invited by one of my favourite bands (then and still now) to see their first LA show at the Echo! I was introduced to this band by someone who became a lot more involved in my persoanl history than I ever expected and I played their songs over and over again mentally putting my life back together; now I was going to get to see them.
When I saw (on myspace 😳) they were coming to LA I wrote them immediately. Explaining they were my peace and light at a time in which I felt like I had none. They responded within the hour, telling me they'd be honoured to have me at the show (this is pre fame, so it was purely based on my love of their music) and they would love to meet me! I was floored!!!!
My friend happened to be coming to town from Vegas, and this was going to be the perfect girls night. I belted out the songs as I jumed up and down while I attempted to get ready. I made sure to check if there where going to be tickets available for sale at the door (but I never expected to ask for them). K.N. and I waited in line slightly impatiently and i gushed on and on about how she would love the show. (she had only been introduced to them that day) After a few minutes of waiting she asked if I had purchased tickets. I explained to her I had not, but i was sure there would be some available at the door. She decided I should go ask the guy at the door if there were in fact tickets available. She had not seen how bad my attacks were getting, so as I started to eternally freak out and explain I'd rather she went up there. She refused and required I did. Then it set in, I quickly rushed away from the line and ran a block and a half to the nearest seat. As I lay my head on the table to get my composure, I knew the night was over. I wanted to go home.
After that moment and missing that show I refused to let it get the best of me. It has been a struggle and some days don't work out as well as others; but I am making progress everyday.
This all floating in my mind as I sit in the cafe alone, appreciating what is the highlight of my day, blogging and enjoying dinner for one, as a song from those times provokes memories of the person I once was.
I am so proud of who I have been, and unbelievably proud of who I have become....and I hope this year leads to positive evolutions within myself and all of you. Each and every one of us deserves the utmost amount of happiness.
XOXO
Miss Olivia Black Suicide
