What to say.......Times lately have utterly sucked. I never thought anyone could have so much shit thrown at them in such a short time but apparently I was wrong. The things I have had to and still am dealing with over the past two months would make some people completely unravel. How I haven´t is beyond me but I am on the edge of a very nasty cliff.
Last week I had to bury my Grandfather who I was quite close with, but in his final months, never made a real effort to go see. The last time I saw him was back in May when we went to go visit him in the old folks home that my parents had put him in because he was suffering from dimentia and a crumbling health and needed supervision to get through his day. My grandmother is currently undergoing Chemo therapy so she wasnt able to take care of him in his fragile state. May was the last time I saw him. I never made the effort over the summer to go see him because I thought other things to be more important, which in retrospect, they werent. He taught me a lot of things I am not quite sure he actually ever realized he did, and that I now will not have the opportunity to tell him. From the moment my pops wrote me and told me that Opa had gone, I have been a wreck. It was the last thing I needed thrown atop of the already insane time I am having.....I had told myself I wouldnt hold myself together at the funeral but once I walked in the funeral home that whole plan was shattered. I was a horrible mix of composed and unraveling. It was touching to see how many people came out to his funeral and just what a huge impact he had made with people and the town he grew up in and raised his family in.......I will always remember him when he was at his best and know that if there is such a thing as a better place after death, then he is for sure residing there now. As painful as his death is to us, I am convinced for him it was a wanted release from the pain that he was enduring. May you rest in Peace Opa!!!!!
If losing my grandfather and having some immense financial issues that I have the hopeless feeling I cannot resolve or get out of, the girl I had been seeing decides from one day to the next to just give me the pass. Two days before the funeral!......That Sunday I had spent time with her and everything was great. No signs of anything wrong or whatever. Everything was as it should. Tues morning I received a FB message how she wouldnt be able to see me anymore, that she had experienced what love at first sight was and that it was over. How it was the hardest thing she had ever had to write, especially due to the timing and so on...........So lets destroy and already completely destroyed Dustin some more. Come to find out, on Monday she had met with one of her gfs who had a friend with her and apparently upon meeting him " lightning struck me".........I still cant quite understand how when in a relationship which is obviously going well, you meet some other person and instantly just throw the entire relationship away?!?!?......its beyond me. of course I am so fragile that I agreed to stay friends with her, because she was one of the few people I could actually talk to and tell stuff that I dont tell to many other people....so we are still friends. We still write as much as we did before the "break up"...which is begin to confuse me. I am not quite sure anymore there is some other guy.......
Life at the moment is utterly chaotic and confusing for me. Nothing quite makes sense. Between the death of my Opa, the break up of my gf, the final decision to get divorced from my separated wife and all the financial issues I am not sure how I still make it out of bed every morning and go to work. Life sucks, pure and simple. Hopefully there will be some sort of bright spot in this otherwise cold gray world of mine.........There just has to be. It is impossible for one person to have such a string of bad luck in such close succession. Or maybe its Karma finally catching up with me and kicking my ass for all the shit I did in my past........
yea time to end this ramble because as I am typing this I am beginning to think it wont make sense to anyone but me haha.....
R.I.P Hans-Dieter Heinrich 1936-2014
