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I've had the past couple nights this week where I thought I'd go to bed early...then I ended up laying there and thinking. I ran through a whole bunch of options and scenarios in my mind...I thought about what I wanted out of life...I thought about where I've been and where I'm headed. One night, I actually pulled out my old journal that I haven't written in for a LONG time and read back through some stuff I'd written as long ago as 2004. I was with Jon even that long ago. He's been my constant. He's done a lot of stuff that he didn't necessarily want to do because I asked it of him. He supported me when I was going through crappy times. He tucks me in when I don't feel good or am sad. I can count on one hand the number of times we've fought in 4 years. He's monetarily bailed me out more times than I can remember...not because he feels like he HAS to, but because he wants to be sure I am taken care of. He knows when to be ridiculous and make me laugh and when to be serious. He holds me when I cry over a tough day at work or trouble with friends or just general frustration. I haven't done a single thing in my life to deserve a man like him, but I want to keep him. There will always be other friends in my life that matter to me, but no one will matter as much as he does. We've built a home and a life together. I love his beautiful little girl too. We have an amazing pattern and our lives just mesh. We have time together and time apart doing our own thing now and again. I have never gotten tired of him or needed some time away. I am a better person when I am with him then when I am not. He encouraged me to go back to school, and has picked up the slack around the house now that I don't have as much time. I love him so much. I have expressed thoughts and feelings to him that I would never tell anyone else. Yes, he could be handier around the house, but he'll learn as he gets older...both of our dads are working on teaching him. And yes, he occassionally makes me batty with his obnoxious manly habits...I have fallen in the toilet with the seat up more times than I can count...but they make toilet seats now that automatically close...I can invest in one. But overall, I have very very few complaints and I couldn't ask for better.

I also spent some time thinking about where I'm going...and I've decided that I'm going up. I have my dream job...I have my dream man...I have an amazing family and his family just adds to it. I will get my degree, and I will take over my supervisor's job when she retires in a few years. We will be financially comfortable and god dammit, I will be happy. I still maintain that I'm not going to be a mommy...but who knows...my ideas are changing...maybe someday that will too.

As for my life outside of Jon, well, I have a couple friends who are my sunshine. They've both known me since I was 14, and they've never held a mistake against me for long, we've gone through a lot together, and they will stick by me. Everyone needs a friend or two that they can trust. I have a few newer friends who are special to me too, but other than that, I am slowly going to begin weeding out those who hurt me or aren't supportive enough or who make me feel "disposable". I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to surround myself with love and good things. I want to be able to provide those things for the people in my life too. I have a big heart...sometimes that isn't enough and I will let people down...but I love the way I feel when I know I've been a good friend and that's something I will continue to strive for with those who will stick by me.

I have lots of hope and good things will come.