Well, the last few days have been strange, to say the least, but strange in a good way...I think. I'm still trying to absorb it. Emotions take longer to absorb into my system than I think they should. I do feel like rainbows and puppy dog kisses though.
I really am not sure how to start this massively long saga of 2+ years, but I'll put the cliff-notes-style backstory in spoiler because it's not really vital to right now...
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
About 2.5 years ago Jon and I ended up in a 3some with one of his best friends. It was awesome. We both came back thrilled about it and discussed swinging. We decided to start looking for a couple, and we found an awesome one. We stuck with them for about 2 years, and she and I are still friends even though we decided to stop swinging with them a few months ago. During this time, Jon and I kind of did our own things here and there with the understanding that when we were ready to get married (because it was always assumed that we would) that the swinging/open relationship would end and we would devote our lives to one another alone. I have been having a blast being "free"...but it never really made me 100% happy. Yes, the sex was so exciting and new partners are always fun, plus I got the opportunity to explore my attraction to females that I had ignored for most of my life while being supported by the man I love.
A few weeks ago Jon and I were talking one night and he asked if I was ready yet. He was ready to be done swinging and start talking marriage...and I knew I'd have some tough choices to make. I have never been the girl who dreamed of being a wife and getting married. For almost 4 years I have been happy the way we are, but the more I thought about it, the more I started agreeing with him...that it was time. However, I am stubborn and must come around to things in my own time. I won't be pushed into decisions and I must weigh the pros and cons and arrive at the final point all on my own or I'll question it forever. Now onto recent events...
A couple months ago I met my "dream" playmate. Someone who respected me as a person and didn't see me just for sex...someone who I could genuinely LIKE...naked or not. From almost the beginning, I've known he would be my last test. Playmate-wise I sure as hell couldn't top him, and he's an amazing man who any woman on the planet would be lucky to call hers...even if it was just for a little bit. I looked at it like...if I started developing feelings for him, I'd know I wasn't ready to spend the rest of my life with Jon...once I made that decision, I knew I wouldn't have the space in my heart to have romantic feelings for anyone else. I went to see him last weekend and the sex was incredible, as it always is, but it was different. I had a great time hanging out and goofing around and it was just a nice time. The entire weekend though was spent with me feeling confused and knowing this would be coming to an end, but I didn't want to say anything...so I didn't...I was still battling with myself. So, Sunday we said our good-byes...mentioned the next time we'd see one another, and I headed home.
Well, being the good, concerned person that playmate is, he wouldn't leave the weird vibes I was giving off alone. So, I ended up breaking down and telling him how utterly scared I am to know that Jon is the only one for me. It's terrifying being young and seeing your entire life laid out in front of you...so many opportunities and so many years left to fuck it up. Playmate said he knew when I left on Sunday that it'd be the last time I saw him like that...he was understanding enough to allow me to still be his friend, even though I used him poorly. He also gave me a lot of advice, told me a lot about love and how lucky I am, and then gave me a kick in the arse and told me to go talk to Jon. Just because it was amusing to me, I will also mention that he called himself a retard for encouraging me to go be monogamous and in love and how he was voluntarily giving up great sex.
So, honey...I lurves you and thank you...that was the most unselfish, supportive thing a friend has done for me in a long time.
Monday night after an emotional breakdown on my part and a lot of crying, I went to Jon and told him that I was ready to stop fucking around, that I wanted it to be just us, and that I wanted nothing more than to be his wife someday. Soon, hopefully. I get so exhausted spending so much time fighting my emotions and weighing every decision. I will never make a move without careful, strategic consideration. I was being a stubborn asshole, really. Always using my parents divorce and my fear of marriage as cop-outs...being positive that we would fail if we tried. But, I know that I want to try...afterall, nothing in life worth having is easy. Jon looked at me for about 2 seconds, went "So...you really wanna be my wife? Does this mean I have to go buy a ring? And put up with you planning shit? Can't we just go to the justice of the peace tomorrow?" My resulting glare put an end to that part of the conversation very quickly. We talked for quite a while longer about the whys and the hows and some other stuff.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
And because I really want to share this...after the talking we went up to bed and had sex that was better than any I have ever had in my life. It was like the best make-up sex you can imagine having (Jon and I never fight, so it's been about 2 years since I've had make-up sex), but full of more love, and a little bit desperate. There were definitely undertones of "I have you now...I'm not letting you go..." We actually "made love"...which I hate saying...I hate it so much...for reasons that I can't explain...but that's what it was. Maybe once in a while "making love" isn't a bad thing...but most of the time, I think I still want fucked. Haha.
So, it's Wednesday now...the chaos was 2 days ago, and in the past 2 days I have succeeded in pretty much planning our entire wedding in my head. Which is something I said I would NEVER do...I refuse to be a wedding crazy female. Not gonna happen. I plan conferences and events for a living...I can do this without getting insane...right? Yeah...probably not. Instead of writing my History midterm last night I was looking at dresses.
It's amazing how when you finally let go and stop fighting yourself the whole world seems right.
