I had an extremely exhausting day with all of my co-workers at a Diversity Training course. It actually got me really depressed. I am disgusted that so much crap still goes on. I am naive and float around in my little "I love everyone!" bubble, and ignore a lot of the discrimination that goes on...which is just as bad as being the one who is ageist/racist/classist/ect...
I am actually sitting here right now being down right miserable. All of my best friends are together right now. They all happen to be guys and I am sure they are having a fabulous time...and out of our group of 7 or 8, I am the only one not there (I think). The short version is, I fucked up big time. And I know this. And have tried to apologize. To no avail. For those who are interested, the long version is...
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Sam and I are both uncontrollable flirts...we know what pushes one anothers buttons...and he is just plain fucking hot when he's gothed up and wearing eyeliner and smelling good. Well, we pushed and flirted and prodded ourselves right into nudity. He freaked because of BF (who had already given me the go ahead to play alone from time to time if I followed certain "rules", but there was no way for Sam to know that...I don't wear a sign around my neck.) and once he caught his breath, he put me aside with a "no...bad ash". This was about a year ago. 6 months ago I saw him again (he currently lives in Omaha for work and is just visiting for the weekend. He will not be back permanently until the end of Sept.) and we went to a strip club, got plastered, then proceeded to get severely frisky...I gave him no choice. I knew that I'd pushed enough buttons and that he was drunk enough that he wasn't going to stop me. For about 20 minutes afterwards, I felt successful and sexy and powerful...and then I went "oh fuck...I did NOT really want to do that." I made him miss his 6am flight...which cost him a shit-ton of money so he could get back to Omaha in time and that really pissed him off. I offered to pay for half, and he refused, so I don't think that was what bothered him. Things haven't been the same since. I have never met a guy who behaved that way after sex. In my experience, most are just fine with hearing "Well...that was fun...so, we're just friends again now, right". Ok...so I didn't really say that...but it was implied. I thought we'd be just fine afterwards. And we're not. And it's weird. And I haven't seen him since. We haven't talked on the phone either. The extent of our communication has been a couple strained AIM conversations. He was one of my best friends on the planet and I am missing him something fierce right now. I want it back the way it was. I want the long twice-a-week phone conversations and the trips to visit. I want harmless flirting with him. I won't carry it further again. I promise. I feel a little like I'm sinking...because when Sam is boycotting me, EVERYONE in the group is boycotting me because he is the "Leader", if you will. I am hoping when he moves back permanently in Sept. that I can fix it. I won't push, because he gets even more annoyed if you push...but I'll find a way. One of the other guys is actually conspiring with me to "sneak" me back into the good-graces.
So, I am sitting here on Friday night throwing a pity-party. I kept hoping that someone from one of my other groups of friends would call with plans to go out and I could get drunk, have fun, and forget about it. BF keeps telling me that if this much drama occurs, which it does, frequently, that I don't need these friends. And he may be right. But I love them...and all their faults and dramatic incidences. I was with this group the entire time I was in college. We all worked together, lived together, and played together. They know me and love me for all my faults 99% of the time, which is more than I could expect. So, I will fight for them. And I will keep apologizing, and I will make it up somehow.
sounds like you got a sticky situation on your hands, best bet is to give him space and hopefully he will come around! im sure its gonna drive you crazy to do this but maybe without intention you crossed that line that he didn't want you to! and now he's uncomfortable!
i mentioned you in my journal!