Basically, having a presence on social media can both be extremely rewarding, and extremely frustrating. There's always people out there who want to tear you down, who want to make you feel less than, in order to build themselves up. Bullying doesn't just happen in the halls at school, but as adult women, we experience it in the form of cat calling, body shaming, name calling, and more. I have been the brunt of several forms of online bullying in the past couple of months especially, and I wanted to speak on it through writing.
Not once, not twice, but three times today, I was attacked through social media because I show myself wearing hardly-there bikinis, while still claiming to be a loving mother and a devoted wife.
Now, at first I was hurt. I was taken aback, and was feeling a sense of actual shame. Maybe this stranger hiding behind their screen was right. Maybe it is wrong for me to share myself in this way. Maybe sharing my love for these bikinis, and for the way they make me feel isn’t OK. Maybe I should make my Instagram account private. Maybe I should delete it all together. Maybe I should just hang up my bikinis, and call it a day, and say, “Well, that was fun…” and move on.
But, as I sat there, feeling defeated, having just clicked the slider on my phone to change my Instagram account from public to private, I stopped. What power did this stranger, with no photo, no pictures, no followers and who follows no one in return, have over me? How did three extremely horrible and pointedly and purposefully mean and aggressive comments potentially have the ability to make me crumble, and crack? How could I let that happen?
Before I go on, let’s go back to the beginning. No, not the beginning to this story. To the beginning of me finding myself. I never was particularly confident in myself. I never felt sexy, beautiful or any of that. It’s not that I didn’t have people telling me those things. I just never believed it about myself. I almost thought I was being lied to, however ridiculous that may sound.
When my husband and I went on our honeymoon, he surprised me by packing some tiny strings, micro bikinis, and sexy lingerie. I’d never seen anything so small. I was horrified. Seriously horrified. How could he even expect me to put those little things on? Anxiety and fear built inside me like a hurricane, and I didn’t know if I could even take it.
But, I could take it. I put the bikini on. I quickly covered up and eventually, by the end of the trip, I felt a bit more confident. When we arrived home from our week in paradise, the strings were tucked away, safely in a tiny corner of a drawer, just to be forgotten about.
That next summer, for some reason, I decided to slip the bikini on. I’m not sure what came over me, but I just felt the draw, as if they were calling my name from the back of my drawer. The look in my husband’s eye when he saw me was enough for me to think that maybe I should wear it some more. The way he reacted made me feel something come over me, that made me not want to cover up. He suggested we take some photos down at the river for the bikini contest online, and while I started out shy, seeing the photos and then reading the reactions from those of you here on MM made me feel so good. The more I wore micro-bikinis, the more I liked how I felt.
I looked strong, confident, and I was able to really believe in my strength as a woman, a wife and a mother. I really started to love who I am, and I wasn’t able to find that femininity, that poise, courage or determination until I found myself in AND out of tiny bikinis.
I made friends in the community, who like me, love who they are because of their new-found womanhood, that was somehow unlocked by tiny strings. How is that possible? I don’t know, but what I DO know is that I am a better, more certain and tenacious woman for it. It’s not because people tell me I’m strong and beautiful. It’s because I feel that I am strong and beautiful. This budding hobby – modeling bikinis – has helped me discover who I am in more ways than one.
These feelings of confidence and strength began to translate into my life with my husband and my life with my children. I am now able to show them what a firm, fearless and daring woman looks like. I’m able to stand my ground while being bold, and full of spirit. I no longer cower away, bashful and shy. I stand up for myself, for my family and for who I am. I am woman, and hear me roar.
So the fact that this person, this tiny invisible person behind their screen, thought they were able to potentially break that strength, crush this backbone and dissolve my grit is laughable. “Skank. Conceited. Disgusting.” Sticks and stones, my friend.
But can I say that I wasn’t hurt by his words? No. I was. I was hurt. I was stung. I was saddened. I began questioning. But did I crumble? NO. I took a step back and realized I was better than that.
So to those of you out there who also get attacked and bullied for sharing your light with the world through beautiful yet tiny bits of fabric and skin, stand strong. If you’re like me, these bits of fabric have been woven into you, making you resilient, courageous and gutsy women. It may hurt to feel the blows, and they will come. I will not falter. I want be heroic for my family, and I can say that believe in who I am. How about you?
