So anybody who knows me or actually reads any of my blog posts knows I suffer with depression. This does affect me in some ways in that I find it very hard to socialise. These past few months have been really hard on me and just keep getting worse. I find it really difficult to reach out to people. I don't like leaving the house. I panic about making plans, which is why it's been so lovely to have @erulisse pop over recently. If I try to make plans I end up panicking and overthinking and just bail. But it also has an effect on here, I find it difficult to connect with people. I don't feel like blogging a lot of the time and I don't feel like posting in threads or making conversation because generally I feel like a useless lump of shit that nobody would want to talk to anyway.
But that's not the mental illness I wanted to talk about. What I want to make people aware of is that I also suffer from something else. Something really embarrassing and something I don't talk about even to my friends. But it directly affects my ability to get naked in front of a camera. I have dermatillomania. It's a form of obsessive compulsive disorder where you compulsively pick and scratch at your skin. This is why it's embarrassing for me to talk about. I have a lot of scars. A lot. All over my body. I try really hard to reduce the amount of scarring by using bio oil and stuff and before shoots I try really really hard to refrain from doing it. But where I've been so down recently it's gotten really bad. I look hideous. It's making my depression worse. I don't want to take photos or post on here because any time I do I have to stick a shit tonne of filters on to try and hide it. Before my shoots I give my photographer a heads up because I do find it embarrassing and I hate that they'll have to spend more time editing me than other girls.
So yeah. This is what I carry around. I desperately want to save up to get more tattoos to cover them, I feel like it would make a huge difference to my self esteem. I looked into what other kind of cosmetic procedures I could get to reduce them but I think covering myself in tattoos is probably the cheapest and best way for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I didn't have to try so goddam hard to be as attractive as everyone else on here but I really do. Every selfie you see means that I've put on a lot of makeup, taken about thirty different photos to get the right angle or make sure that my hands or something are covering the right parts, find the right filters or upload it onto my computer first so I can edit it properly. Only then will I actually share a photo with anyone.
I guess I just wanted to make you aware. I know there are loads of girls on this site that have mental and physical illnesses and I'm so proud of all of them for being able to get past it and feel good about themselves.
I only wish I could too.
