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The inescapable gravity of mediocrity. Whether it's a self-fulfilling prophecy or just the honest truth I've been feeling awful pathetic for an awful long time. I've completely lost the ability to write music, I feel absolutely helpless and useless at work. It's been 7-months since Amanda died but some days it still hits me harder than I can handle. My girlfriend and I just feel like we don't understand each other. I have no outs any more. I can't sink myself into music because if I'm listening to somebody I just feel bad for not being able to write and playing only makes that feel even worse. I can't outrun my thoughts and I don't have the strength to fight them right now. I'm surprised I've held on for this long. We have another guitar player in the band now that is doing all of the writing. Some of it I really like some of it I don't. I've been thinking about writing some stuff outside of the band just for myself but I doubt that will go well.

In modestly better news I've decided on a new tattoo and have made an appointment right before memorial day. It's a variation on a claddagh ring (the tattoo on my left forearm) but instead of a heart it's going to be a day of the dead style Mary head held by two skeletal hands that wrap around the back of my forearm. Amanda really loved Mary and dia de los muertos iconography and this is a tribute tattoo for her.