As Fall Out Boy plays gently in the background I humbly present to you tomboyish, emo-scene, awkward 16-year-old Obsidian. Happy (belated) 16th birthday SuicideGirls, the years have treated you just as well as they've treated me (which is to say, very well, and in my case with much mercy). I think I may have suffered some PTSD digging this photo up. . . or at the very least, will be mortified for the next week at my awful style choices and melancholic teen angst. I mean, look at that handcuff necklace.
It's sad to say that I have a hard time thinking of good memories from when I was 16. My teenage years were not easy. I was depressed, suffering from acute social anxiety and continually bullied by my peers for dressing weird and listening to angry or sad music. I had very few close friends and almost fell into the trap of believing that I was the problem-- that if only I could be normal, things would be easier. While I never changed who I was, always wearing my style as loud and as proud as the bands blaring in my headphones, this way of thinking haunted me well into my university years (but more on that in another blog).
My life as a teenager wasn't all doom-and-gloom. While I don't remember much from those years, I do remember my older brothers taking me to see one of my favourite bands play in the next city over. It's cliche to say that the bands I listened to saved my life, and I suppose in truth I saved myself, but they gave me hope for a better tomorrow. I will never forget the bone-rattling excitement I felt as the bouncer lazily scrawled x's on the backs of my hands. I will never forget the adrenaline of being in a mosh pit for the first time, or screaming the words to The Sugar Sickness in Matt Tobin's face. I will never forget that overwhelming feeling of belonging.
Growing up in a fairly remote area, these experiences didn't happen often, and I would ride that post-concert high for weeks. But sooner or later the jeers of my classmates would dig under my skin and I would fall back into that endless cycle of self-hate. Still, hearing the voices of my heroes telling me to love myself and never give up gave me the courage to move forward. Deep down I've always believed that there was more for me in this life than colloquial bliss, and since high school I have found my place in the world.
Becoming a SuicideGirl, among all of my other accomplishments, is a testament to just how far I've come. No longer a shy, frightened girl, I am now the confident, caring, and outgoing woman I had always dreamed I'd be! It was not an easy road to get here. I have many scars inside and out that I will have forever, but I wouldn't change a moment. These struggles made me, and I love who I am. Your road won't be easy, either. I can promise you that. But I can also promise you that life gets so much better on the other side of fear. It's never too late to start believing in yourself. Imagine the life you most desire, do the work to head in that direction, and make it a reality.
- Obsidian
