obliviousfocus

She sat perched on the ledge watching chaos in the streets below. Thunder boomed in air abover her head. Winds blew from all directions slapping the metal and glass buildings around her. Her grip held her firmly to the concrete against the gusts that threatened to knock her off. The time wasn't right yet she had to wait just a little longer to be sure she had the courage.

Sirens shouted their alarms all across the city. It seemed as if the world was coming to an end. People were running in the streets shouting out inaudible things. The sky looked as if it would open at any moment and just swallow everything. It was if the world had decided to take itself with her on her journey.

"Who said you could join me?" she questioned half heartedly in a whisper.

"You did." a voice instantly replied back.

The voice shocked her into losing her grip on the ledge. She fell forward as the wind pushed this time without resistance. A scream came out of her as she prepared for the fall.

Opening her eyes she saw a man holding on to her arm. He gently pulled her back and placed her upon the ledge.

"I don't think you were ready yet were you?" he said calmly as a smile appeared on his face.

"I-I-I. Who are you?", she answered nervously still shaken.

"Sariel at your service my dear."

The man stood up and bowed. This defied logic to her. On a ledge that she could barely stand on this man acted as if he had a million miles of ground upon which to walk. His long brown hair flowed in the wind disguising his face for the most part. Eyes. Eyes that couldn't be hidden stared at her. They had the most serene look upon them she just felt herself calm by looking at them.

"And you are ?" he asked back expecting a courtesy.

"Joan."

"What a lovely name. Lot of history there you know. Can I sit with you for a few moments?", he answered her smirking.

"Sure." she answered him hesitant to say anything else.

A silence grew between them. She sat that wondering what to do with herself. Why hasn't she heard him come up on the ledge? How was he unaffected by the wind? Why did he just want to sit here on the ledge with her?

"The world is waiting you know." his voice broke the silence.

"Waiting for what?" she asked puzzled.

"For you to decide what you want to do."

"What do you mean?" her voice raised a level as her heart beat faster.

He pointed up at the sky. It seemed stuck as if some force held it back. Everything was in a stop frame of time. Someone or something had paused time.

"It's waiting to see if you decide for it to end of not.?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" she spat back moving further away from him.

"Well you want to end it all don't you. So p and make your decision and be quick about it." his answer was cold.

This was not right. She had come here to end her life, not destroy the world. He was obivously nuts. Then she sat and laughed silently to herself. Who was more nuts. A man who thought the world was ending, or a girl who wanted to end her world.

"The virus has you scared and lost." he broke her concentration.

"Okay asshole. I don't know who the fuck you are or how you know about that but I want you to get the fuck away from me." she yelled at him.

"I told you I am Sariel. I'm here because you are lost. You want to make a decision but you are unsure."

"What the hell does that have to do with the world ending?" she asked him.

"Well when you die doesn't the world end normally for you? In this case things are bit less metaphorical."

"What?" her head was swimming.

"You decide if the world continues or if it stops right now."

How did he know. She had just found out this morning when the tests came results were handed to her. AIDS. She had contracted AIDS from her only sexual encounter. A slow death and she was only 22. Where was the justice in this? Life had been just a taste and it was going to end all to soon. This life was hers to decide what would happen to it. Her decisions was to end it rather than to let it linger.

"I didn't ask for that responsiblity. It is not my decision to make." her answer came out in a soft whisper.

"Well it would appear that it is your decision. Do you live and watch yourself slowly succumb to disease while the world moves on. Or do you end it right here and take everything with you?"

"I don't want to decide that. I just want to decide for myself. Me alone and thats it. I didn't ask to decide for the world goddamnit." she screamed at him.

"Regardless my dear of what you decide you make decisions for many people. Those you have met. Those you have not met. Those who need you and those that will need you. You are making a decision for them without their consent."

"Thats bullshit!!!"

His movements were so swift she didn't have time to react. A hand grabbed her face and held it like a vice.

"Are you so selfish that you would forget everyone that cares. What of your parents? Do you think they would like to know their daughter is on a ledge about to jump? Or you friends? What do you think will happen when the person they care about and rely upon decides to kill herself?" ,a hint of anger was leveled in his voice.

"That's not fair!!! Don't place this responsibility upon me I don't want it." she sobbed to herself.

His voice softened as he spoke.

"Everyone wants that responsibility. They say that they do not but if it is something you don't accept then you shall never find a moment of joy in your life. The power you have over this reality is more than you can ever imagine and would never even see unless confronted by its effects."

Tears rolled down her face. She was coughing and sputtering as she choked upon them. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She had aspirations and dreams that she wanted to fulfill. Why was she suddenly faced with this option. Who decided that her life should suddenly just end before it even began.

"You decided. Everything up to this point has been your decision. You alone have put you where you are now."

"Thats not true. I didn't decide to come here. I wasn't asked if I wanted to be born." she answered choking.

"Is that true. If it were shouldn't you have died when you were born. I mean it seems pretty simple to you now. You don't want to live so you are going to jump off a ledge. How is that any different?"

"I don't want to argue with you!!! Why are you making this so difficult for me!!!" her voice asked accusing.

"You take the difficult and make it simple. Then you take the simple and make it difficult. My you are one confused little girl. Life and death are the same. Neither is simple. Each one requires a choice that you internalize."

She sat there now hugging herself. The wind had stopped for a short period allowing her this luxury. People below ran like ants through the streets. She could sense the panic. They were so afraid of what was going to happen. Why be afraid? They wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore.

"Life is a drug. The more you have of it. The more you want. Those people down there. They aren't ready to give up just yet. They want to see it through."

"Who are you really?" she looked at him through blurry eyes.

"Just someone who seeks out the lost when they need some guidance." he smiled at her.

"Are you God?"

"No no no no. I would never blaspheme nor claim to be that good. I am just a kindred spirit to those who need me."

She wiped away the tears in her eyes. Sniffling she tried to regain her composure. The ants below were still shuffling about trying to make sense of the madness around them. What was she going to do?

"Do you feel them? Those people down there. Do you sense their fear. We are all connected in many ways. Most of us choose to severe that connection rather than let it grow. They cannot handle the responsibility."

She didn't want this. This was more than she could fathom. Why her and not someone else. Why did it have to be her.

"Think of a parent and a child. They don't know the full responsiblity of what is to come. It goes beyond what they think and know. They just realize that this new life is now theirs to protect and nuture. That is an awesome responsibility. If you sit and think about this you will realize all of life is like that. In being connected we all have this responsibility to ourselves and to others."

Maybe he was right. These were not the things she would sit down and ponder normally. It made sense in some way.

"I don't want to die like that. I don't want to worry every day will this be the day or will it be tomorrow." she started crying again.

"No day is guaranteed regardless. Everyone live with that fear or they don't. The fear is only as real as you let it be. Death comes for everyone eventually. It is the time between it and your birth that matters the most." he answered her sobs calmly.

"I'm not strong enough."

"You weren't at one time perhaps but you have a new path. The strength is there you just have to find it. Either way it again comes down to what you decide."

"What do I do now? I can't do what I had planned to do with my life. It might as well give that up."

"Yes you wanted to be a doctor and help people wasn't it. Maybe now your patients will change. Who is to say you still can't do it. You do not know the outcome till you see it through."

His words rang in her mind. It was possible perhaps to do this. She had to find out and see, but there was always the chance she could do it..

"So I try and help people like me now. What more could I do than give them false hope?"

"Would you rather have someone help you that did not know what you are going through or would you want someone who had stared down the same demon. You aren't alone. There are many and they are just as lost if not more than you. They need guidance and help from those who would not turn away."

"I thought guidance was your department." her words come out slightly condescendingly.

"I cannot be everywhere at once. I need help with my journey. I do seek out those who I sense can be that help. They have the ability to rise above a situation and themselves to be better than most would try."

A tear ran down her eye at his words.

"You see this in me?" she asked.

"I see that and more. The question is do you see this. You said you have aspirations and dreams. Why not let those become an inspiration for those who need them. Either path you choose at this point is going to be hard. What can you live or die with?"

She sat and looked over the ledge once more at the people who were scurrying around in the streets. They looked so lost as they scrambled for shelter. These were the people she had wanted to help. Her head turned up to the sky and saw it poised for destruction. The world sat and waited. Whatever she decided would dictate the outcome of everything. Her mind reeled as she pondered all this.

With one final glance she looked down before turning to him.

"I want to go home.", was all she could say.

"Well then my dear you are in luck. I think I can get you there with no problems."

As he finished his sentence she saw them grow from his back. Wings. He was growing wings. They spread out fully and seemed to glow of their own accord. A hand reached out asking for her to take it.

"Don't worry we won't get lost I know the way." a smile broke on his face.

As they lifted toward the sky she saw the cloud swirl and move in a myriad of directions. Someone had decided to rewind things and start over. She wasn't sure but if the world could change then maybe so could she.