Look out! We all like to go out and have some fun on a Friday night. But you know who else likes to go out?
SHARKS!
That's right! While you're bopping to some tunes on the jukebox at Hammerhand's Gourmet Shoreliner Diner, going for a joyride on Highway 109, or enjoying a tender moment with someone special underneath the boardwalk, SHARKS are out there, patrolling the quiet spaces of the night, looking for their next victim. Sometimes they're just looking for a laugh and, if you should be their unfortunate prey, you'll come away with nothing worse than an atomic wedgie or a black eye. But don't be fooled, SHARKS often travel in packs, and more often than not they'll beat the snot out of you and take your wallet, plus that cooool leather jacket you just picked up at Mr. Montiloni's Leather Jacket Manufactory, or worse yet, they'll trick you into joining at the lowest rung of one of their infamous Pyramid schemes. Have you ever thought about what it would be like sitting at the bottom of a seven-story pyramid of SHARKS? trust me it's no picnic.
While it's rare that a SHARK will eat a human they will do it if they're hungry enough, especially with recent trends in dressing up as/imitating leopard seals and Snow Serpents, two of the SHARK's natural prey species. Even worse, recent tales and drunken legends out of the Sour Swamp far to the south suggest that SHARKS have found a way to start transmuting human beings into becoming SHARKS themselves, or possibly some kind of ensorcelled SHARKservants, using some kind of SHARK Transmitter or Bone Contract with the Fenwiches of Blood County, depending on who you ask. These are just rumors but it's all the more reason to take the threat of SHARKS in the wild very seriously, and remember your Three Sh's:
1. Shh! Sharks' vision is mostly based on hearing, so if they can't hear you with their tiny ear-holes, new research from the National Committee for Sharkiopathic Studies indicates it may be harder for them to see you, or something? That can't be right.
2. Share the Shark repellent. Shark repellent is readily available at retailers, e-tailers and sea-tailors nationwide, so buy enough for you and your friends to share! You can never have too much Shark repellent!
3. Remember that, while SHARKS can swim in the seas and oceans of the world, the belief that they can only survive in water is a popular misconception spread by movies and centuries of cultural misunderstanding predicated on our species' desire to eat each other. SHARKS can and WILL walk on land to pursue prey, go exploring and escape the undemanding boredom of a boundless, zero-gravity blue existence as apex predators in an environment where sunlight can only penetrate a few hundred meters below the surface of the ocean. In truth, some sharks even prefer life on land, and may mingle undetectedly in surface animal populations, possibly even interbreeding and, over generations, forgetting their origins as the regnant Kings and Queens of the Remorseless Sea, where Mystery builds temples and worships Herself, and reigns in eternal silent darkness and holds court with Herself far from the angry eyes of Sun and Sky and Starlight.
So remember, when you're out there in the encircling solitude of the watchful night with your friends, havin' a ball and painting the old town red, you're not alone. Other tracks patrol the ways through the darkness. Other eyes watch for opportunity, entertainment, and weakness. Patient eyes. Clever eyes.
No, you are not alone.
Remember to bring your Shark repellent, and come down to the Hootin' Hall next Friday for a double header show by Spit City and the Rooftop Owl Collective! Tell your friends!