nyghtwish

So I've realized I've kind of let the void that is this Fred-neck town take its toll on me. My last couple of entries have been about FISHING. I mean, WTF? When I was a kid, I loved nature. I'd much rather have been running around in the woods with my brother than watching TV. Then, for a long time, I avoided the outdoors like the plague. There was always something to avoid. Sunburns, poison ivy, mosquitoes, what have you. Now, I can't get enough of it. I hate being indoors. I ignore my former life indoors in favor of ANY outdoor activity. Even fishing. I don't talk to my friends much anymore because I'm never around. I'm not on AIM or near my phone. I call my family when I'm at work because I have nothing better to do while watching a pool with no one swimming in it.

And I've let the lethargy flood into other aspects of my life. I used to have dreams FAR above being a teacher. Not that being in education is not a noble profession. Of course it is. But where I used to dream of glory and fame and fortune, all I desire now is survival. Pay my rent, my bills. Pay off my debt. Sigh. Is this what I've been working towards? Part of me hopes not. But part of me thinks that survival is all we can really work towards anyway. Everything I WANT now, even if I got it, there'd be more. In 10 years, if all my dreams came true, there'd still be that next rung of the ladder to climb. What the fuck. Desire is bullshit.