nyghtwish

I had the most disturbing conversation with Lewis last night. I'll give you the highlights (verbatim, as I have the ever lovely Dead AIM so I can remember all the shitty things he said/says to me):

(he has just asked me to get him and his new (ugly) girlfriend a bottle of wine)
me: special evening?
him: yeah, last time we'll see each other for a while, that whole thing
him: hows your family doing? i was thinking about them today?
me: oh
me: eh
me: you don't have to pretend to still care
him: im not
him: thats one thing im going to regret
him: i liked your parents lot
me: oh. fab. I'm glad there's at least one thing
him: thats not what i meant
him: come on, don't do this
me: well, it just seems a little insincere
him: what does?
me: asking about my family. I mean, you don't even ask about me.
him: well i assume your doing ok, if you werent i figure you would tell me
him: i didnt mean it like that at all
me: why would I tell you? are we even friends?
him: i dont know

him: i feel like even if we are friends we wont be for long, since ill probably not see you again
me: that just really fucking upset me
me: I mean, it hurts that you honestly care that little
him: im not saying i care or i dont
him: i just dont see us getting together just to hang out
me: why not though? we were best friends for three years

him: people chenge
me: I'm just annoyed that you really don't care. and annoyed you asked for the rings back. and annoyed that you slept with someone who isn't your friend
me: and annoyed you slept with leslie and didn't tell me
him: yeah, i did some stupid stuff
me: and I'm frustrated with all the gestures you've attempted when they were pretty void of actual care
me: and I'm beginning to realize it all
him: well im not reall always conscious of my true feelings

me: do you think we were ever in love?
him: i dont know

him: i dont know what my feelings were then
him: i knew then what they were
him: but all i have i smemories
him: so i cant answer your question accurately
him: i very may have been in love
me: you see? that hurts. I want to be remembered as your first love. not as your first fuck
him: i dont think of you as either
him: you were something that was very good for a period of my life
him: when i was that person, you were perfect for me
him: is that enough? because thats all i can say, im sorry
me: and I only wanted to have sex with someone I was in love with and loved me in return. and I kind of feel dirty now
me: so...I guess not


I'm not sorry we broke up. He has turned into a slimy, self-involved, conceited prick. He honestly thinks so incredibly highly of himself it's disgusting. I'm not sad I lost who he is now. I'm sad I lost who he was. I'm sad HE lost who he was. He used to be gentle and caring, interesting without acting like a know-it-all. Honestly, if I had only just met him...I would probably hate him. He makes me want to puke.