Okay. Now, please don't worry about me or anything. I know this will freak some of you out. But don't freak out, I'm fine.
It's been a rough week. A really rough night. For a millisecond I contemplated killing myself. And you know what stopped me? Thinking about my mom. My brother, my dad. I could never put them through that. And it's fucked up that I didn't, in that moment, value myself enough to put a stop to the insanity for the simple fact that I love myself. Now, killing myself isn't actually something I would do. Because honestly, I'm far to arrogant to kill myself. I think the world needs more people like me to procreate. Really. I'm that narcissistic.
And you know why I'm miserable this week? Because I miss Lewis. How fucked up is that? His birthday was on Monday and I only got two seconds to wish him happy birthday and give him a hug. This would have been the fourth birthday we spent together. But no. Tuesday was the release party, a huge deal for me. And I wanted to share it with him, I started looking forward to it way back in September. Little did I know...
It's just been a crazy week of super highs and terrible lows. And every time, the first (if fleeting) thought is that I want to call Lewis. But I don't. Because I can't. I can't handle the fact that he's probably out with Alissa. And as jittery and excited I am about Scott, I don't want to date him. But I don't want to date Lewis, either. It wasn't hard to see that our relationship was doomed.
And I don't want to grow up. And I don't want to live my life without my first love. And I don't want to keep crying when I stop being busy and get the chance to sit down and realize how lonely I am. Even with my roommates and the great friends I've made this year, I'm so fucking lonely. It hurts. I hurt. I'm tired. The future doesn't seem to hold any relief, either. I'll go straight from school to a job because I have to support myself now. And I just want to go home. I just want to go home.
It's been a rough week. A really rough night. For a millisecond I contemplated killing myself. And you know what stopped me? Thinking about my mom. My brother, my dad. I could never put them through that. And it's fucked up that I didn't, in that moment, value myself enough to put a stop to the insanity for the simple fact that I love myself. Now, killing myself isn't actually something I would do. Because honestly, I'm far to arrogant to kill myself. I think the world needs more people like me to procreate. Really. I'm that narcissistic.
And you know why I'm miserable this week? Because I miss Lewis. How fucked up is that? His birthday was on Monday and I only got two seconds to wish him happy birthday and give him a hug. This would have been the fourth birthday we spent together. But no. Tuesday was the release party, a huge deal for me. And I wanted to share it with him, I started looking forward to it way back in September. Little did I know...
It's just been a crazy week of super highs and terrible lows. And every time, the first (if fleeting) thought is that I want to call Lewis. But I don't. Because I can't. I can't handle the fact that he's probably out with Alissa. And as jittery and excited I am about Scott, I don't want to date him. But I don't want to date Lewis, either. It wasn't hard to see that our relationship was doomed.
And I don't want to grow up. And I don't want to live my life without my first love. And I don't want to keep crying when I stop being busy and get the chance to sit down and realize how lonely I am. Even with my roommates and the great friends I've made this year, I'm so fucking lonely. It hurts. I hurt. I'm tired. The future doesn't seem to hold any relief, either. I'll go straight from school to a job because I have to support myself now. And I just want to go home. I just want to go home.