nyghtwish

So the party was a lot of fun AND my team won!!! Woohoo, go Patriots! Things with Lewis got all weird for a bit, but we sorted it out. He doesn't seem to understand my whole take on the thing. Basically, in my perfect world, we'd be back together, but I know that I can't force a relationship. He seems to think this means that every time we hang out, I'm trying to get him to be my boyfriend again, so he tries not to hang out with me. Well, that's not really the case. I fully accept the fact that he does not want to date me right now. Seriously, I get it. I've been there. And while hanging out with him DOES remind me that we're not together, at the same time, he's my best friend. I can't stop wanting to hang out with my best friend. And I want to do best friend things, not boyfriend and girlfriend things. Like, I want to go to the movies. Or hiking. Or cultural events of some form. Granted, that does sound a lot like dating, now that I think about it. But not when it's platonic! And because I know that we're not going to be together at the moment, I'm really not trying to force it.

I really think he's the one that doesn't know what he wants. Like, I would be fine if we stopped having sex. Seriously. I have other ways of taking care of that need. He admitted tonight that when Eric (Minda's brother) was hitting on me, he got jealous. I don't get jealous when girls hit on him. I don't even get jealous when he hits on them back. I honestly just don't care. But it seems like he can't separate the fact that we're friends from the deeper stuff and that he's trying to prevent our dating by just telling himself he doesn't want to.

Which, honestly, is still fine with me. If he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to. I feel that he WANTS me to want him in that way and he's putting words in my mouth because he believes that's what I'm saying. That makes very little sense, even to me. Lemme try again. I think that he wants me to need him in that way. So instead of believing I'm okay with everything, he turns little things into a big deal. Like last night...I BEGGED him to come to the party (because I had unintentionally invited people I didn't really want to come, by way of mentioning it in front of them and then feeling like I HAD to invite them) so basically I wanted someone I knew better there. Which is Lewis. So pretty much as soon as he gets to the party (around 9:00pm) he starts begging for sex. I tell him no, because I'm hosting a party, you know? Not no because I necessarily don't want to, but no because it's rude to everyone else there. Well, he is all like, "what's wrong, blah blah blah, I thought you could handle us being friends with benefits." And I'm like, "uh, yeah, except I've got guests." Anyway, he completely turns it around on me because I don't want to have sex.

THEN we're hanging out, watching The Simpsons, and he disappears. I let him go for a while, then go to find him. When I walk in my room, he's on my computer, on AIM, and quickly switches the chatbox so I won't see (and makes some protesting noise.) So I know that he's talking to a girl about something he doesn't want me seeing. So then I get pissed and tell him to fuck off. And he's like, "what, so now I can't even have crushes?" And I'm like, "no, you can totally have crushes. Just don't come over to my house, beg me for sex, pout when you don't get it, and then five minutes later use my computer to talk to the girl you ACTUALLY like. AND log me off instant messenger so you can use it!!!" And again, he twists it back on me...

Growl. Sometimes I can't deal with his shit. And yet, eh. How do you give it up easily? I don't know...

Anyway, that was only one minor blip on the awesome radar, however. The rest of the evening was wicked fun. I have silly, drunken pictures to show for it. And a Patriots dynasty!!! Awwww yeah.