nvseabee

tomorrow is my last day of leave before i go back to work for a week and then go back on leave. these past six days have been a real eye opener for me. actually, the past couple weeks were. april 26 marked the eight year anniversary of my first real love's death, the day she died in my arms. the day she died of my stupidty and selfishness. the day i stopped getting high. the day i felt like i died inside and became hollow. i have major regrets from that too. i never went to her funeral. i should have. i have yet to still go to her grave. that's my top priority when i go back home on leave in a couple of weeks. i need the closure. i need to move on. yeah, i've been in relationships since then, but i never felt like i was in one. i just went throught the motions. i just didn't feel anything. nothing. not a thing when i started dating the girl, and nothing when she would break up with me. i haven't been in a "real" relationship for eight years. EIGHT FUCKING YEARS!! and then i met some one when i went down to san diego to see some friends. some one who made me want to feel again. she made me feel a part of me i thought had died long ago. the fucked up thing is, i can't remember her name to save my life. i had been drinking, but not at the level i normally drink when i'm leave. (ok, backround time. when i'm normally on leave, i drink far beyond excess. example, the last time i was leave, xmas-newyears time, was the least amount of money i have ever spent on booze for myself. and that was was in $700 range. when i was in sd, i only spent about $30 on booze.) there is one person on this site that knows her because she works with her. i won't be dropping names, though. sorry. i know my family won't approve of her because of what she does for a living, and because she is older than me, but i don't care what they think. i'm already the black sheep of my family. it's not like i can go further down the ladder. and it sucks too, because i'm going back to afghanistan sometime in june. bad timing, right? real bad timing....... she makes me want to be something more than what i am right now. she has given me the motivation to move on with my life and to stop mourning and sulking around. sorry for having a blog that never seems to end, so here it is, the end.