nuria

My grandmother raised me. I watched for years as she belittled, degraded, and was sometimes cruel to my Grandfather. He was not quite the intellect that my grandmother was. He was from a small town, grew up with nothing, received his GED at thirty. She was valedictorian of her school, worked for a senator, sang in an internationally acclaimed choir, championed many causes and was just a tough woman.

My grandfather, while meek at times, was loving and faithful. He found time to give to others, never wanted to rock the boat, never wanted to argue or fight. He always took the long way--comfort and sensibility.

My grandma--she was a bitch. Straight up honesty, no consideration for feelings, constantly ragging on everything that my grandpa did. But outside of her marriage she was very attentive to others, loving to a fault at times, and much happier when out of my grandpas company. It wasn't that she didn't love him; she just didn't know how to stop being so cruel to this person who was so consistently kind and willing to put up with her.

Now fast forward to now--twenty years later and I have an identical relationship. It hurts to say it and to be honest this is the first time I have actually realized that the woman who raised me passed onto me the personality of a troll. I am so kind to others--willing to do anything for friends who don't deserve it, willing to pass along a smile and kind gesture to strangers. Yet when it comes to the man who means more to me than anything in this world, I don't know how to love him the way he loves me. I'm constantly grouchy and down, irritable and yes, at times cruel when it is uncalled for. The years of witnessing the relationship of the people who raised me rubbed off--I don't know any other way to love. It feels terrible to know that I am incapable of happiness, even when I have nothing that I should want or need.

And it isn't just Eric, my relationship with my mother is equally as strained, my aunt who is closer to me than anyone falls into the abused category as well. Why is it that the people who I love most, I treat so terribly? I am ashamed of who I am, ashamed that I am such a sad person. I ask Eric to hold me more accountable for being such a bitch, I ask him to call me on shit, to be more honest because at times I don't realize that I am doing these things. So I ask him to change, to be more like me, to harden up, to lose his easy-going kindness that counters my ever-increasing bitterness. I ask him to change because I fear that I am incapable, that I will swallow up the people who are kind to me, that I will trample on those I view as weak--I think this is clich but I must view this kindness as weakness and it makes me wonder at times how anyone could ever love me.

I truely hate myself today. I cannot understand why I have turned into such an ugly person.