noxdice

This is an excerpt from another person's writing, but when I read it i found it strangely parallel to how I have been feeling as of late. I don't have many friends in here, so it's not like I am reaching out to anyone, but I think it will be a little cathartic to put it out there anyways because this guy totally stole my inner thoughts:

"Today, tonight, lately, I've realised something very important.

I don't get out of bed until late, these days. I mean, I've always told people I was happy. I've always told myself I'm happy.

But I'm not. I never was. I mean, I'm happy at times, and I'm sorrounded by good people, and I've been blessed a lot. I know that. I've been given opportunities and chances that would make life seem unfair, and it's lately I've been capitalising on them.

I've always been so sure. Like I knew where I was going, where I wanted to be, and I don't know how or why. I just did. I was born believing I could do a lot and I could do this one amazing thing better than anything...and I found it.

But it doesn't make me happy in all the ways I thought it would. I mean, I guess I'll be succesful, and I should be lamenting during a mid-life crisis and not now, but...

It seems like I could have everything I wanted as a kid. Success, money, a big house, nice things. Where I could buy anything I wanted, and be anyone I wanted. I guess, after awhile, that's all I ever wanted.

I...suffer from a lack of confidence sometimes. I'm always second guessing myself, and I never let anyone know it. You spend all your time being the person people turn to for answers, but...who am I going to turn to? Pride gets in the way, too. Even when I desperately need help I won't ask for it.

But lately, things have been different. In my pursuit of success and dreams, I've found myself left woefully alone. I don't know what happened. I changed as a person, I guess. But I am alone. I'm smart and capable of doing anything in my life except solve my own damn problems.

I guess that runs with the territory. I wish, so much, it didn't have to be that way. I'd almost give up everything for it not to be that way."


"I'll wake up and like every day before it, that that day will be a little different. That I'll learn something. That I'll work towards overcoming the biggest challenge in my life, myself.

Have...you ever walked outside on a Fall day when there were no clouds and it was cool and you just paused what you were doing, looked up at the sky, and... everything would make sense for that moment? "

The only difference is they said that they were in a perpetual state of understanding after realising this, whereas I am quite the opposite...even knowing all of this I don't have resolution. I don't know how to change it. I need help but I don't know how to ask and even more importantly, I don't think i know how to accept help from anyone.