Foaming At The Mouth
My Life In Crime (So Far)
The following is a list of things I've been shoplifting from Jewel Foods lately:
Sushi: Mostly I just can't live with paying the exorbitant prices they charge for sushi. I mean, 5 dollars and change for a tray of "California Rolls"? They're just rice and a few slivers of avocado! I don't know if the 8-plus dollar price tag for the Seafood Combo is less objectionable or even worse. They have salmon, tuna, and the occasional shrimp, but still, there's practically nothing of it, and it's not like the ingredients or preparation warrant that kind of mark-up
Cheese: Another product that is drastically overpriced. I have a lot of respect for fine cheese, but paying $8.99 for a wedge of Gruyere or even ripened brie is an outrage, especially if it's small enough for me to shove in a pocket and walk out the door with it.
Caviar: A lot of people don't really care for it, but I love caviar. It's awesome. But this is another luxury good that has too high a ratio of cost-to-ease-of-theft. It's like $10 for a package the size of a golf ball; that's a no-brainer.
Various chocolates or candy bars : Mostly I favor the large sized versions. I don't know why, but even when I'm not paying I go for the economy-size packages.
Watermelon-flavored Smirnoff vodka: This one was done completely out of spite. I got to the store two minutes after the wine loft (where the full selection of beer, wine, and liquor is to be had) closed and I had to choose from what intoxicants were available on the main floor. Nothing was good, and watermelon was the least objectionable flavor they had. So I shoved it into my backpack, mostly out of rage at not being able to get into the wine loft. Funny part is, I didn't even drink any of it that night. I fell asleep before I had the chance. The bottle sits in my freezer, waiting to be served to any guests I don't particularly like.
Generally I prefer to do my shoplifting in the winter; bulky coats make it that much easier. But at this point, I don't steal out of need, but rather more of an intellectual challenge. I have to think of an elegant way of either hiding the goods or storing them among the things I legally purchase at the same time and then confidently stride out the door. Now that's a stimulating exercise for me
Hiding in plain sight is a preferred tactic. One time I carried a small Tupperware box into the store carrying some change to be counted, then I walked out with an unpaid-for tin of sardines in the box as though it belonged there.
I should further note that the self-checkout kiosks that Jewel has thoughtfully installed are the shoplifter's best friend. What the hell, they're losing less in 'slippage' per hour than they would be paying to a unionized checkout worker, especially when you factor in health benefits.
So let me finish by saying that stealing is wrong, but very cost-effective and a hell of a lot of fun. Just don't get caught.
My Life In Crime (So Far)
The following is a list of things I've been shoplifting from Jewel Foods lately:
Sushi: Mostly I just can't live with paying the exorbitant prices they charge for sushi. I mean, 5 dollars and change for a tray of "California Rolls"? They're just rice and a few slivers of avocado! I don't know if the 8-plus dollar price tag for the Seafood Combo is less objectionable or even worse. They have salmon, tuna, and the occasional shrimp, but still, there's practically nothing of it, and it's not like the ingredients or preparation warrant that kind of mark-up
Cheese: Another product that is drastically overpriced. I have a lot of respect for fine cheese, but paying $8.99 for a wedge of Gruyere or even ripened brie is an outrage, especially if it's small enough for me to shove in a pocket and walk out the door with it.
Caviar: A lot of people don't really care for it, but I love caviar. It's awesome. But this is another luxury good that has too high a ratio of cost-to-ease-of-theft. It's like $10 for a package the size of a golf ball; that's a no-brainer.
Various chocolates or candy bars : Mostly I favor the large sized versions. I don't know why, but even when I'm not paying I go for the economy-size packages.
Watermelon-flavored Smirnoff vodka: This one was done completely out of spite. I got to the store two minutes after the wine loft (where the full selection of beer, wine, and liquor is to be had) closed and I had to choose from what intoxicants were available on the main floor. Nothing was good, and watermelon was the least objectionable flavor they had. So I shoved it into my backpack, mostly out of rage at not being able to get into the wine loft. Funny part is, I didn't even drink any of it that night. I fell asleep before I had the chance. The bottle sits in my freezer, waiting to be served to any guests I don't particularly like.
Generally I prefer to do my shoplifting in the winter; bulky coats make it that much easier. But at this point, I don't steal out of need, but rather more of an intellectual challenge. I have to think of an elegant way of either hiding the goods or storing them among the things I legally purchase at the same time and then confidently stride out the door. Now that's a stimulating exercise for me
Hiding in plain sight is a preferred tactic. One time I carried a small Tupperware box into the store carrying some change to be counted, then I walked out with an unpaid-for tin of sardines in the box as though it belonged there.
I should further note that the self-checkout kiosks that Jewel has thoughtfully installed are the shoplifter's best friend. What the hell, they're losing less in 'slippage' per hour than they would be paying to a unionized checkout worker, especially when you factor in health benefits.
So let me finish by saying that stealing is wrong, but very cost-effective and a hell of a lot of fun. Just don't get caught.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
2 days until summer camp! now that they gave Urlacher some more money and resigned the core players, its gonna be a happy locker room. im actually expecting alot out of this coming season. 10 wins easy.