northern

I have to post an update for a few reasons. One, I need to stop looking at the previous entry. It's just very sad.

Thank you so much to everyone who left messages of condolence. I'm feeling okay now. For the first few days, I was numb I think. Just couldn't understand how it all happened so quickly.

I'm feeling okay now, but I still have the habit of looking for her. She used to come running to the door to greet me when I came home, and I still somehow expect it. She also used to follow me when I'd go from room to room, and I leave a room, half-looking for her following me. I'm sure that with time, I'll stop doing that.

Even though I would love to get a new cat, I don't know that I'm ready for that. Now right now at least.




The other reason I have to post a new entry - it's my birthday.

As some of you know, I don't really make a big deal of my birthday. I never do anything particularly special. My birthday is tomorrow, July 14th. I'll go to my mom's for dinner, and she and I will make butter chicken. It's a dish I enjoy, and it takes both of us to make it, so that's nice too. I'll get some presents from my mom too. Some books I ordered. She has them, and will give them to me, but since I ordered them, I already know what they are.

My mom will give me a birthday card. I am extremely unlikely to get any other birthday cards. My brother hasn't sent me one in many years, and my sister stopped sending them a few years ago. I'm very old-fashioned. I like sending birthday cards to friends and family. I like sending Christmas cards too.

Although I'm not usually concerned about whatever age I'm turning when it's my birthday, this year is different.

I'm now 40.

Yikes!

Things seemed okay when I could think of myself as being in my 30's, even at 39. But I'm crossing that line into my 40's now. I think one of the reasons for my angst is that many of the people I know are in their 20's. Which was okay when I was in my 30's, but now that I'm 40, it makes me feel even older.

I could ramble on about how my clock is ticking away, and I still don't have the children I dream of having. That's my number one goal in life - having kids. And it's getting to look like that won't happen. Yes, I know that I'm still biologically able to have kids, but as I get older, my potential partner will be older too, and women really do have age limits when it comes to having kids.

And please don't tell me I should look into adoption. I have. I'm a single male, unemployed, with serious mental illness. The vast majority of adoptions are handled by private agencies, and I can't afford their fees. And almost all adoptions now are 'open' adoptions, which means that the birth mother gets to choose who adopts her child. Let's be honest, they're going to have a lot of options for adoptive parents, and I can't imagine that I'd make it to the top of their list. Not only because of my illness, and my lack of money, but because there's a real stigma attached to single men who want to adopt. If a single woman wants to adopt, people can accept that. A single guy? Well, he must be some kind of pervert.

I said I could ramble on, and believe it or not, I kept it very short. Trust me, I could go on and on.




In better news, the SG gala is this Saturday in Toronto. Since it's so close to my birthday, I'm going to pretend it's my birthday party. Whether the people there know it or not.

Also on Saturday is my sister-in-law's baby shower. It's in the afternoon, so I'll be busy going to that and then heading to the gala.

If you're at the gala and you see me, say hi.