northern

Boy, am I ever behind in posting an update.

I have good news, and then more good news.



I found a surgeon for fills for my gastric band. I'm making a very quick trip to Toronto to see him this week.

And when I say quick, I mean driving there and then turning around and coming back.

It's a relief.




And the other good news is very weird for me to explain.

I actually feel somewhat happy.

I don't feel particularily depressed these days.

For the first time in many years I don't feel an overwhelming weight on me.

The last couple times I've met with my counsellor, I've discussed the fact that it seems like I don't feel somehow worthy of being happy. That I somehow don't deserve to feel good. That I'm comfortable feeling depressed because that's what I'm used to feeling.

That I have to give myself permission to feel good. Permission to do things that might make me feel better.

And I've been making a very concerted effort to give myself that permission.

I've managed to actually finally do some cleaning around the house. It's nice to see bare floor for a change.

I've managed to get into a more 'normal' sleep pattern. I'm still sleeping till noon or a bit later, but that's an improvement over getting up at 4 or 5pm.

And there are some other little things.

Well, I say little because I know that to most people they're little things, that they don't even give a second thought to.

But for me, even a lot of the little daily routines are pretty abstract concepts for me.

I won't go into details, but it's a lot of little steps that are starting to improve my mood.

Finally!