northern

I know I owe you an update.

I've been extremely depressed.

More depressed than I've been in years.

I don't care about anything.

As my fellow Canadians can attest to, right now our federal politics are about as interesting as anyone alive can remember, and yet I have so little care about it, it's remarkable.

Those who know me, know that politics, while not quite the passion it once was, still holds an important place in me.

But that place seems to have disappeared.

And I don't really even care.

Americans just had a fascinating election, and I don't care.

The world economy is going down the tubes, and I have nothing to say.

I have nothing worth saying.

Nothing worth hearing.

Nothing worth rubbing two synapses together to think of saying.

I just don't care about anything.

As usual, my house is SERIOUSLY messy, and despite mounting reasons, I stand paralysed staring into space when I try to clean.

My mom wants to give me her old couch, which I could really use, and I haven't cleaned enough for people to move it here.

And with Christmas coming, my mom could use the space for the Christmas tree.

And my furnace is leaking water for some reason.

And the condo board sent a notice around saying that they were coming to inspect the windows because they're going to be replaced soon.

And I can't clean.

And when I say my place is messy, I mean you have to dodge and weave your way through the piles of books and magazines and assorted other paper to get around.

I haven't been commenting on blogs, and I've been ignoring comments left for me.

I apologize for that.





Oh, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin, which was making me very irritable.

I'm now taking Mirtazipine. Or something. I can't be bothered to learn the name.

It's worthless crap as an anti-depressant.

I saw my counsellor today. I may not be able to see my psychiatrist until the end of January.






One happy note - I did get my computer repaired. The power supply was blown. Apparently running three hard drives non-stop for a couple years was too much for the original power supply.





I'm even crying sometimes.

I'll be watching some feel-good news story and get teary-eyed.

What the hell is that about?

Makes me feel stupid and simple-minded.




I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer tonight.

Santa was a real jackass.

Seriously, have you watched that classic as an adult?

Santa and his whole operation was some kind of bigoted, facist machine.

You had to conform, whether you were a reindeer, elf or toy. You had to be physically flawless and identical, and you had to think the same as everyone else.

Yikes!





Yeah, my first bit of opinion in ages and it's to complain about my favourite time of year.

That's my mind-set.




Okay, I'll end on a 'funny' note.

I finally managed to get a referal to the local surgeon for a 'fill' for my gastric band.

I knew he was a jerk, but he actually told me I needed to lose another 60 pounds.

It's like, geesh, I wonder if that's why I had weight loss surgery and am here asking for your help.

Anyways, I left the CD-ROM that explains how to do a fill for him.

When I showed up a couple weeks later for my appointment, I went to registration, and they said (not asked), "You're here for surgery".

Umm, nope.

He booked it as "day surgery".

I went to the OR, had to change into a gown and booties. Had my vitals taken, had to sign a consent form.

(Try to understand that when the surgeon in Toronto has done it, it takes one minute, and all I do is lie down and lift my shirt up.)

Anyways, a nurse comes and takes me to the OR, where I meet the surgical nurse who is actually the one who's going to do the fill.

Having just now watched the video.

He takes a couple stabs at it, literally.

Then one of the other nurses tries, a couple times.

Have I mentioned that I hate needles.

They freak me out.

So having them repeatedly stab me with one, and wiggle it around inside, while trying to find the centre of the port is very unsettling.

Eventually the surgeon comes around and tries his luck.

Long story short - I MIGHT have gotten a fill.

Either that or I got half a cc of saline absorbed into my body.

When I got off the bed, it was soaked in sweat, and they needed to escort me back to the change room I was so wobbly.





Okay, so maybe that doesn't sound too funny.

I'm trying to be upbeat here, folks.




Anyways, to sum up, I feel worse than I've ever felt since any of you have known me.

Sorry for being so downbeat.

If I don't talk to you before Christmas, Merry Christmas!! Hope the day is nice for you and yours.