I meant to post an entry last week, but then I went to a meeting out of town, and as soon as I came back, I got a cold.
Still have it, poor me.
Happy first anniversary to me for my membership at SG.
Hardly seems like a year.
I won't bore you with yet another description of how much I enjoy this place, suffice to say that I've made a lot of friends here.
Friends in the sense of people who I actually care about. People I miss if I don't hear from them in awhile.
People I look forward to seeing on my occassional treks to Toronto for SG events.
And just look at the testimonials I've recieved from some people.
I feel so proud when I read them.
They're testimonials in the truest sense of the word.
I thank you for them.
I will repay them. As verbose as I can be at times, I'm somewhat at a loss for words when I try to write them.
But, for better or for worse, I try writing them in my head from time to time, constantly editing and re-editing them, trying to perfect them.
Along with friends, I even had a semi-relationship here, as some of you may recall.
It was a great long-distance friendship/quasi-relationship that sadly didn't work out.
But it was fun and exciting while it lasted.
Speaking of relationships, Valentines Day was last week, and that's when I was going to post this, so it would be slightly more timely.
I'm tired of being single.
With the exception of a brief, six-week relationship in late 2005, I have been single for about 12 years.
I realize that there are reasons for it. I spent a great deal of that time being pretty much a hermit and with the exception of some volunteer work, basically kept to myself.
I had a lot of stuff to work on - my illness, my move from a huge city to the middle of nowhere, and my incarceration.
The last couple years, I've made a lot of progress in coming out of my shell socially, with a good chunk of credit due to SG.
My schizophrenia has always been well under control since it was diagnosed, and my depression, while all too frequently severe, has been something I've become better accustomed to.
And although I really wish I could move back to Toronto, I know there are many practical reasons I'll be staying where I am, all related to money. It's too expensive for a poor person to get a decent place to live there, and I have a small townhouse here to call my own.
I sometimes have discussions with my best friend about whether or not I'm 'ready' for a relationship. There are times when it seems like I've had too many other things to deal with to handle a relationship.
I don't know, after all these years, and all these changes, how I'd handle being in a relationship, but I'd like to find out.
Keep in mind that while I've always been eager to have a relationship that I've also been rather picky about it too. I'm not one of those people who's so desperate to be with someone that they'll be with anyone.
I've always dreamed of being married, having kids, all that, including the white picket fence.
I've also been extraordinarily shy.
And quite awkward socially, to the point of usually making a poor first impression.
Now, I've lost some of that shyness, and I'm slightly less awkward than I was.
And I find myself living in a small, isolated town full of senior citizens. Seriously, Google Elliot Lake, and you'll find a map that shows that it really is in the middle of nowhere, and that it's promoted as a place for people to retire to. There are people my age here, but they already have families. See, what happens is that when you finish high school, you move away to further your education or get a good-paying job, and IF you ever come back, it's because you've gotten married and this is a nice, safe, friendly place to raise a family.
Making the Internet an ideal place for me to find someone.
Of course, my incredible lack of money means that they can't live terribly far away.
Yeah, I'm screwed.
But, I'm trying my darnest to keep my spirits high.
And with that in mind my friends, do me a favour?
Should you know of anyone who might be interested, send them my way.
I used to have a very, very long-winded personal ad on my website, but people felt I was being too open and thus would drive people away before they ever got a chance to know me.
That's possibly what I hoped for unconsiously.
Now that I'm in a better frame of mind, my ad has shortened considerably.
Actually, it wasn't even something I did.
Way back, last summer, Hydra was kind enough to condense my ad into a few sentences. It still manages to reflect who I am, without being a downer.
Here's what she wrote for me:
"My name is Trevor, I am genuine.
Life has been sort of a bummer for me, but with the aid of pills, I've been able to come out on top. I'm trying to make the best with what I've got and hope to conquer my own problems.
The friends that I have are the best in the world. I hope to meet more people to share my life with, people who would make a positive impact on me.
I may not be able to work because of my conditions, but I love volunteering.
Intellectual news junkie. Also documentary nerd. Comedies relieve the reality of living in a life that isn't even close to perfect, but hey, at least I have one.
I'm looking for love, but just don't know where to find it. For now, I'll just settle with what I have and hope for the best.
I'm shy, but Hydra vouches for me being a really awesome person."
I thought that was so sweet of her. The girl I was hoping to have something with last year agreed it was a pretty good reflection of me.
At the risk of scaring you, I'm going to let you read what I used to use as my ad. Keep in mind that it was originally written many years ago, and while generally still accurate, was clearly written to scare people off. It's also dated since it doesn't reflect my current age.
I'm using a spoiler because it's long, and I've already written an awful lot.
Still have it, poor me.
Happy first anniversary to me for my membership at SG.
Hardly seems like a year.
I won't bore you with yet another description of how much I enjoy this place, suffice to say that I've made a lot of friends here.
Friends in the sense of people who I actually care about. People I miss if I don't hear from them in awhile.
People I look forward to seeing on my occassional treks to Toronto for SG events.
And just look at the testimonials I've recieved from some people.
I feel so proud when I read them.
They're testimonials in the truest sense of the word.
I thank you for them.
I will repay them. As verbose as I can be at times, I'm somewhat at a loss for words when I try to write them.
But, for better or for worse, I try writing them in my head from time to time, constantly editing and re-editing them, trying to perfect them.
Along with friends, I even had a semi-relationship here, as some of you may recall.
It was a great long-distance friendship/quasi-relationship that sadly didn't work out.
But it was fun and exciting while it lasted.
Speaking of relationships, Valentines Day was last week, and that's when I was going to post this, so it would be slightly more timely.
I'm tired of being single.
With the exception of a brief, six-week relationship in late 2005, I have been single for about 12 years.
I realize that there are reasons for it. I spent a great deal of that time being pretty much a hermit and with the exception of some volunteer work, basically kept to myself.
I had a lot of stuff to work on - my illness, my move from a huge city to the middle of nowhere, and my incarceration.
The last couple years, I've made a lot of progress in coming out of my shell socially, with a good chunk of credit due to SG.
My schizophrenia has always been well under control since it was diagnosed, and my depression, while all too frequently severe, has been something I've become better accustomed to.
And although I really wish I could move back to Toronto, I know there are many practical reasons I'll be staying where I am, all related to money. It's too expensive for a poor person to get a decent place to live there, and I have a small townhouse here to call my own.
I sometimes have discussions with my best friend about whether or not I'm 'ready' for a relationship. There are times when it seems like I've had too many other things to deal with to handle a relationship.
I don't know, after all these years, and all these changes, how I'd handle being in a relationship, but I'd like to find out.
Keep in mind that while I've always been eager to have a relationship that I've also been rather picky about it too. I'm not one of those people who's so desperate to be with someone that they'll be with anyone.
I've always dreamed of being married, having kids, all that, including the white picket fence.
I've also been extraordinarily shy.
And quite awkward socially, to the point of usually making a poor first impression.
Now, I've lost some of that shyness, and I'm slightly less awkward than I was.
And I find myself living in a small, isolated town full of senior citizens. Seriously, Google Elliot Lake, and you'll find a map that shows that it really is in the middle of nowhere, and that it's promoted as a place for people to retire to. There are people my age here, but they already have families. See, what happens is that when you finish high school, you move away to further your education or get a good-paying job, and IF you ever come back, it's because you've gotten married and this is a nice, safe, friendly place to raise a family.
Making the Internet an ideal place for me to find someone.
Of course, my incredible lack of money means that they can't live terribly far away.
Yeah, I'm screwed.
But, I'm trying my darnest to keep my spirits high.
And with that in mind my friends, do me a favour?
Should you know of anyone who might be interested, send them my way.
I used to have a very, very long-winded personal ad on my website, but people felt I was being too open and thus would drive people away before they ever got a chance to know me.
That's possibly what I hoped for unconsiously.
Now that I'm in a better frame of mind, my ad has shortened considerably.
Actually, it wasn't even something I did.
Way back, last summer, Hydra was kind enough to condense my ad into a few sentences. It still manages to reflect who I am, without being a downer.
Here's what she wrote for me:
"My name is Trevor, I am genuine.
Life has been sort of a bummer for me, but with the aid of pills, I've been able to come out on top. I'm trying to make the best with what I've got and hope to conquer my own problems.
The friends that I have are the best in the world. I hope to meet more people to share my life with, people who would make a positive impact on me.
I may not be able to work because of my conditions, but I love volunteering.
Intellectual news junkie. Also documentary nerd. Comedies relieve the reality of living in a life that isn't even close to perfect, but hey, at least I have one.
I'm looking for love, but just don't know where to find it. For now, I'll just settle with what I have and hope for the best.
I'm shy, but Hydra vouches for me being a really awesome person."
I thought that was so sweet of her. The girl I was hoping to have something with last year agreed it was a pretty good reflection of me.
At the risk of scaring you, I'm going to let you read what I used to use as my ad. Keep in mind that it was originally written many years ago, and while generally still accurate, was clearly written to scare people off. It's also dated since it doesn't reflect my current age.
I'm using a spoiler because it's long, and I've already written an awful lot.
So, like I said, I'm tired of being alone. If you know someone who'd like to know me, let me know.
VIEW 25 of 53 COMMENTS
That there is the single, most important thing not only in the ad, but in life. You are able to look at yourself without rose-tinted glasses on and still you allow yourself to just be you, and not only is that appreciated by all of your friends, it will be for a special lady.
Yeah I stay in Toronto during the week while I am at school simply because I don't drive and the bus routes are stupid. This year I probably could have managed it- especially during this semester, but I didn't know what my schedule was at the time that I had to make a decision, so I played it safe and decided to stay again.
My issue at the moment is jealousy. I dont know if you saw my post in the depression group, but I went on a little rant about being paranoid about my bf. I find out that he has a friend who is a girl and I freak out. I dont want to, but I do. Every moment that I dont know where he is, I worry he is with her. I dont even expect him to cheat on me, I just get very intimidated by other girls and honestly dont even want him around them if they are better than me in any way. I felt pretty confident and secure with myself for awhile until this came up and it crushed me. These are the kinds of things I dont tell my therapist but my goal is to tell her next week. I dont know if I will cause I dont want to cry, but I have to remind myself that shes seen plenty of people cry and her opinion of me doesnt even matter.
Oh and he has been going out with his friends a lot lately, something he never used to do. I complain that he never goes anywhere with me, and he AND one of his friends tell me I need to find some friends. Fuck you, right? I prefer only having a few good friends, and theyre all out of state right now. Im not going to make new friends in the meantime.
Oh, you had asked me why my sister is so unhappy. This is a long story that I will try to summarize. First of all, we come from a family with a history of depression and anxiety, and we both have had those problems most our lives. Our dad was a drug addict, very emotionally abusive. My sister lived with him much longer than i did. I wont get into that too much, but its important background info. Anyways, she gets married and has a kid at 19. He has autism. He is now seven, he doesnt speak, the public school system is crap and he is not getting the services he needs. His father was an asshole who was even worse than my dad in terms of emotional abuse, so my sister went through that whole thing again, they divorced, and he still tries to tell her how to raise their son (though he doesnt do it himself!). My sister has a billion things that overwhelm her each day, and mentally, she cant handle any of it. Shes depressed and she has panic disorder. that basically sums it up. Shes my best friend and it drives me insane that I cant fix her problems. I know that we think in the exact same way, so I know how she feels about everything that happens to her, and I have no idea how to help her. I also feel guilty because I have a much better life than her, not just because I didnt get married and have a baby, but our parents did better with me. I got all the opportunities in life that she did not.