northern

Gotta Snap Out of It Soon


I saw my counsellor on Friday.

Not much to report.

I caught him up on my life and how down I've been feeling. I'll see him again in a week and a half. He didn't have a lot to say about how I've been feeling.

He does want me to try my best to establish and stick to a sleep schedule. He knows I'm a night owl, so he doesn't care what actual hours I keep, as long as I keep the same hours everyday.

That's always been a problem for me. More so when I get extra depressed. I tend to get my sleep pattern totally screwed up - I'll sleep for a full 24 hours, then be awake for 36. And it's not like I'm being productive when I stay up that long. I just veg in front of the tv. I could forgive myself if I were doing something like cleaning my house.

I know it fucks things up when I sleep like that. You start to question what day it even is. So I guess I agree with him that I have to do that. Still, it's been a few days, and I haven't bothered.

The other thing he wants me to do is eat right.

I might eat very little for a day or two, then eat lots of chocolate for a day.

Yes, I realize that's not very healthy.

He also wants me to ask my family doctor to do some blood work to check my nutrition, since my eating habits may throw that off.

I really should start taking those vitamins again.

Can't hurt. Might help.

So, okay, all he really did was give me a couple suggestions for living that are total common sense. Stuff I already know.

But, it's still good for me to see him and tell him what's going on in my mind.

I find it relieves some of the stress just getting it out there. That's why I recommend counselling for everybody. I think the world would be a much nicer place if everyone sat down for 45 minutes every few weeks and whined about their life. It's therapeutic. Honest!

I tend to be very open about much of my life, but very closed about my emotions.

I'm pretty fearless about talking about things like my sexuality, my illness, my past, for example. I don't feel like there's anything to keep secret.

But my emotions I tend to keep pretty much to myself.

So, while I always extend the offer of listening to a friend rant and vent about their problems, it's very rare that I will do the same.

There's that double standard I mentioned in my last entry.

I'm great at giving advice, including the advice to express your emotions as a way to maintain your sanity.

But I don't follow my own advice.

Seeing a counsellor is one route I'm generally willing to go in order to talk about how I'm feeling.

I could get into some psycho-babble and guess that since I was raised that 'real men don't cry', I still have that sick notion stuck in my head somewhere.


One thing I am somewhat disappointed/upset about are the number of people online who haven't even noticed my last entry, even though it was up for three weeks.

On the one hand, I think that clearly some people never gave me a second thought.

On the other hand, I figure I've been so behind on peoples' blogs, I'm not one to talk about lack of comments from other people.

Heck, I've fallen behind on my best friend's blog, I feel too embarrased to call her on the phone. I feel bad that I've let even her get pushed to the side.

Yes, I know that maybe I should just tell myself that the online world isn't 'real' and that friends who exist online aren't the same as real friends, but that's just too cynical for me.



Anyways, I am feeling a bit better since my last entry.

Proving that talking about it actually does help.

Need to remind myself of that more often.

Sorry for being so emo.

Emo? Do the kids still say emo when they mean emotional and/or whiny?

I appreciate all the concern that people expressed.

Actually helped make me feel better. Guess I'm an attention whore.



I'll try to have a more positive and upbeat entry soon.