northern

I got back from my trip to Iowa in the wee hours of Monday morning.

I thought the trip went well, until day 6 when she explained that she wasn't feeling that 'spark' necessary for a relationship.

She was very sensitive about it, and told me to my face as well, which I appreciate.

I do wonder if it took till then for her to realize that, or if she knew earlier in my visit. That's the only thing that's bothering me about her.

That's not to say it's the only thing that's bothering me, just that I'm not really upset with her.

It didn't work out, and I'm glad she told me while I was there. She could have waited till I went home. Or told me over the phone, or even by email.

What bothers me is that I'm still single.

Actually, I want to say I'm single again because it feels like I've been in a relationship with her for a few months now. Not that it was an 'official' relationship. But it was a sort-of limbo, waiting to meet this wonderful person in the hopes that it would become official.

Sadly, it didn't.

Someone asked me if it was 'worth it'.

That's so difficult to answer.

I could start by saying that financially it cost me a lot of money I didn't have to begin with.

But I HAD to meet her. It got to the point where if I had to walk there, I'd have done it somehow.

I can't be shallow and say that the money was worth it only if things had worked out.

So was it worth it emotionally?

I feel very hurt, very sad, even wounded. Disappointed doesn't begin to describe the feeling of loss.

At the same time, I would have felt this way even if she lived a couple blocks away. The distance travelled doesn't really figure into it on an emotional level.

I was going crazy waiting to meet her.

Obviously I wanted it to turn into a relationship.

I'm a real romantic when it comes to that. I still hang onto the notion of finding someone to live happily ever after with.

My shyness and my low self-esteem, among other things, has always made meeting someone very hard. So it hasn't exactly happened that often.

And it certainly doesn't happen as strongly as it did this time.

It pretty much never seems as promising as it did this time.

So I feel pretty crappy.

She told me Saturday night. I tried watching tv for a bit, but that didn't work. So I went shopping at Walmart. In a future post, I'll go into my love of 24-hour Walmart Supercenters, but this is the emo entry for now.

I took forever to buy some groceries, and then went back to my motel room to pack my stuff.

I tried to sleep, but couldn't really.

I checked out early in the morning, and made the trip home.

I just wanted to get home to my house and my cat. Just to get the trip over with. So I made the trip in one long drive, rather than the day and a half it takes when you stop to rest. I just wanted to be done with it.

It was hard to make the drive at first - my mind just kept racing with sadness.

But I made an effort to distract myself by listening to podcasts, and it basically worked.

Like I said, I am sad about it, but not bitter.

I suppose I'd be less sad if I were more used to feeling romantically about someone.

I know I'd be less sad if it hadn't taken months to meet her, so my hopes wouldn't have been built up so incredibly high over time.

But life goes on.

I'm single, which is my normal state of affairs, so I'll recover (soon, I hope).

At some point I'll be asking for your help in finding a relationship, so keep your eyes open for anyone who may be interested.

And thank you all so much for your well wishes for my trip. Wish it had worked out.

It's going to take me awhile to catch up with everyone here, so please don't take it personally if you don't hear from quickly.