what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm so sick and tired of crying my eyes out every night.
of knowing everything that i want and need to do and never doing any of it.
of never paying attention to anything that's going on around me until it's too late.
of being in the exact same point in my life for the last 6 years.
of waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen.
of wasting time with stupid inane bullshit.
of feeling so fucking miserable all the time and not doing anything to fix it.
of worrying so damn much about what everyone else thinks.
of growing older.
of destroying the people i love most with my insecurities and my indecisiveness(if that's a word).
of not being able to make choices.
of not thinking anything through whatsoever before i rush it everything.
of so called family who steals my pot. how the hell am i supposed to cope? =)
of not realizing sooner what i was doing to her before it was too late.
of all these visions i keep getting in my head every day of what we could have been.
of being so damn selfish.
of drummers who call to try out for bands and then don't show up and don't call.
of friends' annoying fucking girlfriends.
of going deeper and deeper into debt from school loans for something i am not passionate about.
of school in general.
of never being able to hear her voice again because i don't know what i want.
of not knowing what i want.
of not knowing.
of "i don't know" in general. i wish i had never heard that phrase, it's such a fucking easy way out of thinking for a change.
of all the things i said that i meant with all my heart but couldn't figure out how to keep my word.
of blaming you.
of blaming myself.
of missing you so fucking much i can't function.
of bad timing.
of not being able to go back in time and make everything better so all the damn visions in my head can come true instead of tormenting me every time i try to sleep.
of always looking back instead of ahead.
of never appreciating what i have in front of me until it's gone.
of waiting for things to happen.
of repeating myself.
of not being able to feel love anymore.
of my inability to talk to people.
of thinking of all the money i've wasted on useless crap i will never need.
of losing my hair.
of being this bitter little ball of nerves.
of panic attacks.
of my stomach hurting all the time.
of feeling so sorry for myself when i have it better than a vast majority of the earth's population.
of everything i see and every song i hear reminding me of you.
of the 5-10 page paper i should be writing now instead of this.
i apologize to anyone that might stumble onto my page that reads this, i'm not looking for sympathy or someone to feel sorry for me (lord knows i do enough of that for myself). i just have no one to talk to at 3:23 in the morning anymore so i whine on my sg journal page. i think it's time to try that whole sleep thing again. wish me luck.
i'm so sick and tired of crying my eyes out every night.
of knowing everything that i want and need to do and never doing any of it.
of never paying attention to anything that's going on around me until it's too late.
of being in the exact same point in my life for the last 6 years.
of waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen.
of wasting time with stupid inane bullshit.
of feeling so fucking miserable all the time and not doing anything to fix it.
of worrying so damn much about what everyone else thinks.
of growing older.
of destroying the people i love most with my insecurities and my indecisiveness(if that's a word).
of not being able to make choices.
of not thinking anything through whatsoever before i rush it everything.
of so called family who steals my pot. how the hell am i supposed to cope? =)
of not realizing sooner what i was doing to her before it was too late.
of all these visions i keep getting in my head every day of what we could have been.
of being so damn selfish.
of drummers who call to try out for bands and then don't show up and don't call.
of friends' annoying fucking girlfriends.
of going deeper and deeper into debt from school loans for something i am not passionate about.
of school in general.
of never being able to hear her voice again because i don't know what i want.
of not knowing what i want.
of not knowing.
of "i don't know" in general. i wish i had never heard that phrase, it's such a fucking easy way out of thinking for a change.
of all the things i said that i meant with all my heart but couldn't figure out how to keep my word.
of blaming you.
of blaming myself.
of missing you so fucking much i can't function.
of bad timing.
of not being able to go back in time and make everything better so all the damn visions in my head can come true instead of tormenting me every time i try to sleep.
of always looking back instead of ahead.
of never appreciating what i have in front of me until it's gone.
of waiting for things to happen.
of repeating myself.
of not being able to feel love anymore.
of my inability to talk to people.
of thinking of all the money i've wasted on useless crap i will never need.
of losing my hair.
of being this bitter little ball of nerves.
of panic attacks.
of my stomach hurting all the time.
of feeling so sorry for myself when i have it better than a vast majority of the earth's population.
of everything i see and every song i hear reminding me of you.
of the 5-10 page paper i should be writing now instead of this.
i apologize to anyone that might stumble onto my page that reads this, i'm not looking for sympathy or someone to feel sorry for me (lord knows i do enough of that for myself). i just have no one to talk to at 3:23 in the morning anymore so i whine on my sg journal page. i think it's time to try that whole sleep thing again. wish me luck.