noreins

When I was younger, probably about 6 or 7 possibly younger than that, but I wouldn't assume by much...I use to go to a babysitter during the summer while my mom worked. She was a fantastic lady and I've gone there since I was 3. I continued going until I was about 11 or so. I remember on a few instances a boy who was older than me, probably by 2 or 3 years. I can't for the life of me remember who he is, I have an idea of who he might be, but I can't say anything because I'm not positive. But anyway during nap time when the younger kids would lay down, if it was nice out we would go outside and play in the back yard. Her back yard was huge, and at the very back of the yard was the swing set and most of our toys we played with...lined with about 4 or 5 mini pine trees. The babysitter would stay inside most of the time, doing dishes or in the other room (we were still in sight when she looked out the window) but this boy knew that behind the pine trees we were out of sight. So we would go behind there and he would have me perform oral on him. To be honest I've worked so hard on blocking it out that that is all I can remember, if it ever escalated past that I'm not sure. It would end by the babysitter yelling for us because she could no longer see us. I never mentioned it to my parents, because at that time I was scared and thought I would get in trouble, I was smart enough to know if we had to hide to do it then we weren't suppose to be doing it. And it's not like I can do anything about it now, I don't know who the guy is, and even if I did I couldn't charge anything because the statue of limitation is up. But I'm not really looking for justice here anyway, I'm just looking to move past it.

As most you of probably know I have the National Guard and breaking the news to my parents...that's always stressful too. Well on top of everything else I've been thinking way to much. I'm kind of upset with myself that I don't have anyone to miss me while I'm gone. I don't have someone special who is going to wait for me and write me and be proud of me. I don't have someone I can lean on for support and know that they love me. I don't have any of that and it really upsets me. When my ex left for basic he had a girlfriend, and she waited for him and wrote him, went and saw him graduate and everything. I won't have any of that, in fact no one will be at my graduation because my parents either won't support my decision with it, won't be able to get off work, won't have the money to travel or a combination of all of them. I know this is changing their dreams they had for me and they will honestly be disappointed with this decision, and the way my parents are they will love me but I don't know if I will receive any letters from them. I don't assume I will from my dad because he doesn't really write, and honestly he will probably be the most concerned with me but it will be hard for him to show it. But my mom might now. And my friends are all going away to college and the one I'm closest to keeps talking about how I'm going to go off and find a new best friend. I don't think she understands that I'm going to train and work and learn, I will make friends I'm sure but after basic and AIT I doubt I will see them again. And plus my friends will probably get annoyed with me when I tell them that if they write me I want to know how they are doing but I don't want to know about the drama in their lives. I don't need the extra stress of petty drama while I'm trying to concentrate and not break down. I need them to understand that I am going to be extremely selfish and I'm doing this for me, for my own reasons and I need to focus and this will sound mean but not worry about them. I just feel like I'm being torn in so many directions with this, and no matter what people are saying or thinking I still plan on joining (I guess that's how I know I'm truly doing it for me, I haven't changed my mind even with all the negativity).

Oh and to top things off with that, last night my friend was talking about concerts and shit for the end of the summer and her birthday plans and everything and I said I probably won't be going because I am hoping to leave for basic by the end of the summer in hopes to be home for Christmas. She kind of got pissy and then let it go, later that night she told me how she doesn't want me to join anymore. Because, she will need me too much. She seem to get offended when I told her I was still joining and that she will be fine, but like I said earlier I need to be selfish when it comes to this.

And then I sit here and I complain about how I don't have anyone to be with or miss me while I'm gone...but no wonder why I don't....I still fool around with my ex. We made out today when he came and picked up Monster...and I mean I have no strings attached to him, I don't feel anything when I do stuff with him and I never feel anything with him. But the past few times we have done anything, I just don't like the feeling that is left with me. I do love him, but I'm not in love with him and I know that we will never be anything more than whatever we are right now. But he has someone else, if you ask him he will tell you they aren't technically dating...but trust me I know from my last relationship that it doesn't matter. They are together. But it's not guilt that I feel, yes I do kind of feel bad for her because no woman should ever have to deal with a guy like that, but at the same time I have told her about many of the times and she chooses to be naive. But I miss the feeling of actually wanting to be wanted. I want a guy to be just with me, to hang out with me, to make me laugh, to go on dates, I want a guy that wants more than sex. And then of course this all brings on feeling of regret. I had that with Dan, I loved him and from what he told me he loved me...but I wouldn't walk away from my ex. I need to let it all go with Danny and quit fooling around and be happy with the next great guy that wants to spend time with me. I'm still very regretful and apologetic with the situation that I put Dan through, on a good note...I think we are on good terms, we don't hate each other, at least I don't hate him and I hope he doesn't hate me. I truly wish him the best and I hope he finds the girl that won't treat him like I did.

Oh one last thing, an old friend of mine texted me today to see if I was telling people certains things about herself to othes, which I wasn't, I told her I'm done with all the immaturity and drama, she said ok thanks that's all she wanted to know. I'm just really hoping this doesn't turn into a hear-say thing and drama gets started...I don't want nor do I need it in my life. Hopefully, everything works itself out and people leave her alone, because it's not fair to her with what they are saying. I just really don't want to deal with the drama anymore.