noreins

So Dan and I started seeing each other at the beginning of May and it was a good beginning. Neither of us were expecting anything serious. In fact many times we quit talking to each other. But we always ended up texting and hanging out sooner or later. We had a pregnancy scare (Obviously it was just a scare, no baby for us), but it seems like since that has happened we started getting close. I knew he was always a little uneasy about my ex. But me and my ex have a child together to we have to keep in touchwhich I understand would be hard to adjust to. But Dan dealt with it. I always let him know when he would say inappropriate things (which wasnt too often, but more often than ever needed to beand he wasnt ever direct with it but he would talk about how he missed being a family and all that) but I always assured Dan that I wouldnt hurt him and that I dont want to be with my ex.

There were a few times where I felt insecure just because we were never an official relationship. Weve talked about on many different occasions and he always said he never wanted to rush it and I agreed. Ive always wanted more but I was happy for the most part, but I didnt want to force him into a relationship he didnt want. We just went with the flow, and it was alright. There were times where we wouldnt text as much or where we would have plans to hang out and it just wouldnt happen. And to be honest there were times where he would just stand me up. Or he would text me hours after we were suppose to hang out and tell me how he got to drunk and couldnt hang with me. It would upset me and there were plenty of times where I told him I was done where I tried ended things because I didnt want to get hurt again. But, it never failed, he would make the effort to come over and talk to me, he would apologize and I believed it. He was always so sincere about it all. Ive never been with a guy that outwardly made the effort to talk about our problems and apologize without me prying it out of him.

I remember the night that I realized I loved him. In fact there are two different moments that I realized it, I believe they were both within a week of each other. One night I was staying the night and I was always a light sleeper but many times through the night when Im at his house I wake upso I just lay there until I fall asleep. Well one of the nights that I was just laying there I had my eyes closed and I felt him roll over, I just figured he was switching positions but he rolled over and next thing I knew he leaned in and kissed my forehead. I dont think he realized I was awake, because he rolled back over and went to sleep. And then the other time I realized it was when I was staying there and I had heartburn extremely bad. I wasnt able to sleep and I had to sit up in order to breathe. He laid there with his head on my lap and just talked to me all night. He told me he didnt want me sitting up all night alone. Those are the two moments when I knew I never wanted to lose him.

So things started getting serious between us. In fact things were amazing. I was in love and enjoying it. He seemed to be more comfortable with getting serious with me. Then on Black Friday we were suppose to hang out. He had to work early that day so I kept telling him if he was to tired to hang out we didnt have to. He kept telling me how he wanted to see me and how we was excited to see me. So I got ready. I went out and got movies, and I waited. I texted him to see when he was coming and no response. I assumed he was in the shower maybe so I waited a little longer and texted him again and again I received nothing back. I sat on my couch for close to four and a half hours waiting for anything. I called him I texted him and nothing. I was upset, I was furious. Well while I was waiting my ex called me to ask some questions about our son. He knew I was upset by how I was sounding so when we got off the phone he started texting me. Unfortunately, I felt wanted by him, in the way I didnt feel with Danthat night. Thats the thing it was only one night that he made me angry. One stupid night. I let my anger and vulnerability get to me and I let my stupid ex sweet talk me and we exchanged inappropriate pictures. Just a few. But none the less it was wrong, completely wrong. The next morning Dan texted me and apologized, but I tried to end things with him. I know he thinks it was because I was angry with him, but in all honesty it was because I was guilty. He literally wouldnt let me end things, he talked to me the entire day and apologized over and over. That night he went out and bought me and my friends some booze to drink, he bought my parents ice cream, he made plans to take me out on a date, he was being his amazing self. And to find out the reason why he didnt get ahold of me is because his closest friend and him got into an argument and he was afraid if he texted me he would direct his anger at me and I didnt deserve that. That night I got pretty trashed and I told him I loved himthe first time I have ever said it to him. He didnt say it back but he told me that he could see him feeling that way in the future.

I couldnt tell him what I did. I couldnt hurt him. Yes, I was being selfish with not telling him because I was extremely happy with things were going and I know if I told him the truth I would ruin it all. Things were going amazing between us. We were seeing each other more often. He never stood me up after that. He came and met my family on Christmas Eve and I met his family on Christmas. He shared his Christmas with me, we got to see the Christmas snow and it was all so amazing. Then a few days later things started getting shaky between us. He texted me one night and told me he did something bad and that he made a mistake. He told me what it was and I was upsetbut at least he was being honest. We were suppose to spend New Years Eve together and he asked if it would be alright if we didnt because he felt like we would argue due to his mistake so I agreed we could talk later. So on New Years I went over to his house and we started talking about it. I went to the bathroom and he went through my phone and found the pictures I sent my ex. When I came back he told me he knew there was a reason as to why he never officially dated me. And that he loved me and his whole world just got turned upside down and he just hurts. That was the first time he ever told me he loved me. I couldnt breathe, I lost him completely I knew it. While I was crying he told me that even though he should be happy I was sad and upset all he wants to do is comfort me. He apologized for anything mean or upsetting he said to me. He was apologizing to me! It wasnt right. We tried to take a break from each other but we started talking immediately. I could tell he was still hurting and I felt miserablebut I deserved to feel miserable not him. I went to his house one night to talk and we talked and by the end of the night we were ok, we were kissing and joking and acting like normal and decided to take it one day at a time. Well one night when he just quit texting me and shut off his phone, I kept trying to call him and the next morning it was still off and when I called him I decided to break into his voicemailwhen I say break into I mean break into it. I had to guess his voicemail and I sat and listened to all of them. On there was a girl who was crying asking him if it was all a joke and if she meant anything to him and stuff like that. Then my sister told me about some Amanda girl that he was supposedly seeing. So I texted him about it and he said it wasnt true, and I believed him. He never lied to me. We were back to calling each other baby and love and he asked to hang outto actually just hang out after I went to a wedding reception for a friend of mine. I was planning on telling him about the voicemail, I couldnt lie to him anymore but that is something you tell in person and not through text. Well somehow he found out about that while I was at the wedding and well all went to hell. He picked me up from the reception and he asked me about it, I never denied it and I told him that I did hack into it. Again I ruined all trust.