I just finished a watching Eternal Sunshine again. That movie shakes me to the core everytime I see it. When I watch stuff like that, the spirit of truth in it is so strong that it destroys all the falsities that I've built up around me to keep me safe from feeling any fucking thing. Nothing false can stand up for long in the face of Truth.
The whole time I watched it I couldn't help but realize that I am part of a generation of lost children, kids that are always going to be kids deep down inside. I'm always going to want a girlfriend. I'm always going to be trying to be too grown up for my age. I'm always going to want my mom and dad to love me, to be proud of me and to be happy that they had me...
We spend so much of our lives carrying around shit that we want to think is us. We carry around these ideas of winning and losing, of being better or worse than somebody. Tonight as I thought about all of these philosophies that I study to try and make myself feel better about not believing that there is anything good in the world, as I thought about all these fantasies and characters and stories that I think up to try and take me away from the life that I find myself in, I realized all of that is not who I am. All the fights and grudges and unfortunate events and everything else that I'm still dragging around like a big fucking trunk full of stuff because I thought it was me, is not. When it comes down to it, the person that I am is still very simple. I'm still the little boy I was years ago, sitting in front of the television believing every moral that ever came out of a muppet's mouth. I'm still the little kid playing Super Mario Bros. and getting pissed off when I discover that my princess is still in another castle.
Tonight, more than anything, I need to believe in something. I need to believe that life is not just some fucking string of unhappy losses until you finally die. I need to believe that something I'm going to do is going to matter, is going to take someone's life and make it better than it was before. I need to believe that love is real, that it's really fucking real. Dear God in heaven, if you ever have been real or ever will be, please...please just let it be real....
The whole time I watched it I couldn't help but realize that I am part of a generation of lost children, kids that are always going to be kids deep down inside. I'm always going to want a girlfriend. I'm always going to be trying to be too grown up for my age. I'm always going to want my mom and dad to love me, to be proud of me and to be happy that they had me...
We spend so much of our lives carrying around shit that we want to think is us. We carry around these ideas of winning and losing, of being better or worse than somebody. Tonight as I thought about all of these philosophies that I study to try and make myself feel better about not believing that there is anything good in the world, as I thought about all these fantasies and characters and stories that I think up to try and take me away from the life that I find myself in, I realized all of that is not who I am. All the fights and grudges and unfortunate events and everything else that I'm still dragging around like a big fucking trunk full of stuff because I thought it was me, is not. When it comes down to it, the person that I am is still very simple. I'm still the little boy I was years ago, sitting in front of the television believing every moral that ever came out of a muppet's mouth. I'm still the little kid playing Super Mario Bros. and getting pissed off when I discover that my princess is still in another castle.
Tonight, more than anything, I need to believe in something. I need to believe that life is not just some fucking string of unhappy losses until you finally die. I need to believe that something I'm going to do is going to matter, is going to take someone's life and make it better than it was before. I need to believe that love is real, that it's really fucking real. Dear God in heaven, if you ever have been real or ever will be, please...please just let it be real....
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
armsxlikexblades:
Wow. Exactly.
fringes:
Hey guy your intensity will prove your demise if dont turn it down a notch or two! Your analysis of 'Truth' is spot on ! Its a pitty so many of us live a lie! Its nothing more than a game of deception.But who are they decieving ,but themselves! Love is real! Its called mutual respect! 
