nolan_void

Why is it that there is nothing I can think of doing for a living that does not make me feel anxious and uneasy? I wonder, should I even think about it? Would this not put me in the same place that I was before I found peace in not thinking?

I wonder why it is so hard for me to answer the question of what I would like to do. What would I like to do? I do not know. This uncertainty is upsetting for many people. Someone who is certain about what they want to do is fine. They have only to find out how to do what they want, and to do whatever it takes to get there. Does life, the world, wait for those who do not know though?

It pains me to admit that, like my father, I often think about what I would do with boundless wealth. Once I did not think that this was such an important thing, but it is alluring and compelling, an idea that captivates my idle mind.

Are all these things I think about the things that I want, or things that I have been taught to want all my life? Why am I so pulled towards the ideas of love and success? I feel imprisoned by these things sometimes, as if there is no escaping their gravity.

When I think of the person I know myself to be, I do not think it possible for me to attain love and success, which I often crave. So I then think, I must change and become otherwise. But I wonder, how can I be other than I am? This often frustrates me, and I find myself wishing for oblivion.

Many people fear death. I have a friend who spends all of his life worrying about what is going to happen when it is blown out like a candle flame. He has little reason to believe that there is anything for us beyond our deaths, and for him he is endlessly unsettled by this. For me, this a great relief. While we live, there is so much worrying about what we must do, what we must achieve, who we must get to be with us, how good we are at this or at that, how we are going to continue living in comfort or discomfort, but in death there is only peace and rest. No more worry, no more becoming.

This is why I came to the idea of not thinking. To stop thinking about it all, is to die before your death. If you die before your death, you are free to do as you wish. The understanding that nothing in this world will endure depresses some people, but it can be liberating. All the weight of obligation and responsibility is lifted, knowing that anything and everything you accomplish in this life will fade in time.

Do you ever wonder why it is that everything doesn't just go our way? Why should we not all have happiness in exactly the way we want it? Why should we not all be in love with people who love us, and why is it that we cannot all find happiness in doing exactly what we want to do?

I'm sure the answer to this lies in that we do not even know what we really want...