nolan_void

I stopped and listened to the noise inside my head today. It is no wonder I have been so frustrated and on the edge. There was all kinds of buzzing, all kinds of needing and wanting and judging and dissatisfaction expressed through internal immature monologues. Most worrisome was Fenris. You know, the spawn of Loki, wolf of legend? I think we all might have Fenris in us, sometimes sitting right beneath the surface of our outward costume that the world gets to see. He sits, waiting for someone to come too close so he can lash out at them and bite them. I had to take note of his uneasiness, and pet him until he was calm again. Then I became weary.

I have been thinking too much lately, and not witnessing enough. The thoughts, the buzzing, the thinking, the noise; it is all enough to drive a person insane. I worry sometimes, that I am going to go insane, and that it will make it impossible for me to share love with another person. I sometimes fear that I am already at that point. But I don't know what to do, other than to be aware, to let go, and to let it be.

So much attention is wrapped up in getting somewhere. I will do my best to arrive. I feel that maybe my environment is a detriment to my peace of mind, but monks don't do the world any good cloistered away in monasteries, when there is so much in the world that needs their love and attention. It is hard because I feel so disjointed and distant from the people around me. I have read that this feeling is an illusion, and I may even think that on a logical level that it is, but I do not feel it. This implies that I do not believe it, with faith as it were. I can not feel my connection, my life, my love that I share with everyone else. This is a problem, because what else could there be to life than this?

I will quiet myself, and I will look and listen, and maybe then I will behold.