nolan_void

I added an entire folder of art pics. Check them out. I will write more later, when I get off of work.

So it's later, and I'm off work. On my way today I was listening to a techno remix of one of the John William's songs from Star Wars. I remembered this moment when Luke is fighting the Emperor and Vader, and he says:

"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side. You've failed, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me."

And then I started crying. It was that "I am Jedi, like my father before me" part that did it. Even now I'm tearing up. I have to ask myself how long I can keep going ignoring the very real problem in my life that I have abandoned my father. He is a crazy fuck, and I'm almost sure that he will make me crazy if I am around him, but nobody deserves the misery he has to be enduring. He was married three times. All three wives left him. His kids are gone away. He doesn't talk to me, and I don't know if he sees his little girls. I feel guilty about it. No matter how much he brought this on himself, something inside just isn't going to sit right knowing that I turned my back on him.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I watched
The Exorcist with my ex-girlfriend last night. I stayed the night, and layed in bed with her. I didn't sleep with her; I didn't really sleep at all. She didn't want to watch the movie alone (she had to watch it for a part she's playing where she's possessed), and she didn't want to sleep alone after watching. Even if we hadn't been jammed together, spooning in a twin-sized bed, I don't think I would have slept very well. I've been in love with this girl for four years. Whenever I'm around her my body tells me things that it doesn't say about anybody else. She graduates in May. I've been trying to work things out with her for a while now, unsuccessfully. I'm not giving up until it is done. Today I was thinking about her, and an inspired thought came into my head: the idea of loving someone courageously.

Loving another human can be terrifying, no matter what white-light religions say. You put yourself out there, hoping to end that quest that is built into the fact that we are incomplete beings on the level of form. We are trying to find the rest of ourselves, and for most of us, the act of sexual union is a very real ritual, a metaphor that fulfills that incompleteness. A lot of people love desperately, but that doesn't do anybody a damn bit of good. To be desperate, is to be weak and lacking, and love is something that needs to be held up. Love itself is like a child, and it takes strength and courage to raise a child right.

I don't know if this girl is ever going to take me back, and it won't be the end of the world if she doesn't, but I'm going to love her like I'm facing down the end of the world and nothing is going to scare me off. Throw that shit out the window. Fear ruins life, and you have to face it down. Fear itself is a fearful thing, and it will not stand up before the light of your Will. Love courageously.

I'm going to try to surprise her on Valentine's Day. I'm giving her some of her favorite candy, a picture I drew her (in my newly added "Drawrings" picture gallery), a short story that I wrote, and a letter addressing my feelings that I wrote today at work. When it comes down to it, you just have to be real and be brave about being real, like it has made you the strongest person in the world. This life is yours and you have to take it by the throat and make it go where you want. That doesn't mean you'll always get where you thought you would, but at least you'll be doing it the right way.

"For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has not
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows and did it my way"

--Frank Sinatra