The days are just slipping by. I let them go. I can't stop them anyway. And I can't go back. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would do if I could go back and do things over again. I'm sure it isn't a healthy fantasy to indulge in, but maybe it is more important to meditate on what that says about me as a person than to just write it off as something that I shouldn't be doing.
What does a fascination with going back and doing things differently reveal about a person? First, it seems that there is nonacceptance, which is problematic. Preoccupation with the past tends to cause one to neglect the Present, which is all that people ever have. Even memories of the past are only able to exist right now, in the Present moment.
I must forgive myself for the things that I was not able to do, for the relationships I was not able to save. I must forgive myself for not being able to do it all alone, for having failings. More than that, I must love myself for my failings.
Someone who is hurt and stumbling around out of control does not need criticism. They do not need punishment. They do not need to be exiled from people so that those people might be spared their bad mood. People who hurt need love. That is all there is to it. The old adage is true. If we are not able to love ourselves, the person that we know most intimately and should have the easiest time sympathizing with, then how is it that we should expect to be able to love anyone else? If we are not love, how can we give love? How can we spread it if we do not embody it?
Sometimes it is hard, but I think we must try. I know you are all good people. I hope these things I say to myself are things that you have already realized, things that you know on some deep level of yourself. The world needs more love in it. You are part of that world, so let charity begin at home.
What does a fascination with going back and doing things differently reveal about a person? First, it seems that there is nonacceptance, which is problematic. Preoccupation with the past tends to cause one to neglect the Present, which is all that people ever have. Even memories of the past are only able to exist right now, in the Present moment.
I must forgive myself for the things that I was not able to do, for the relationships I was not able to save. I must forgive myself for not being able to do it all alone, for having failings. More than that, I must love myself for my failings.
Someone who is hurt and stumbling around out of control does not need criticism. They do not need punishment. They do not need to be exiled from people so that those people might be spared their bad mood. People who hurt need love. That is all there is to it. The old adage is true. If we are not able to love ourselves, the person that we know most intimately and should have the easiest time sympathizing with, then how is it that we should expect to be able to love anyone else? If we are not love, how can we give love? How can we spread it if we do not embody it?
Sometimes it is hard, but I think we must try. I know you are all good people. I hope these things I say to myself are things that you have already realized, things that you know on some deep level of yourself. The world needs more love in it. You are part of that world, so let charity begin at home.
It was productivity outside of my head. Im exhausted with trying to resolve my headthings, Im exhausted with the exterior clutter that follows interior chaos. Fuck that shit. So I cleaned house. Literally.
...the thing about failings...Actually, I have to break away from her because she wont deal with her failings...she wont love herself for that, she will just follow her failures like a trajectory and pretend that they arent failures at all, so she makes more mistakes and is becoming dangerous to herself and others...
Anyway, its a hard habit to break. Its such a worthwhile habit to break.
Im hugging my flaws right now. And it feels nice.