Allo.
This will be dismal.
Friday afternoon we took my sister to the hospice center, which will now be her final home.
Her daughters have been up to visit her, but they are seven and eight and do not understand what her being there means. They do not understand that their mother will never see them be anything more than seven and eight.
She is splitting symptoms that place her between a few weeks left to a possible month. She is progressing quickly, even in the few days she has been there, so I am placing her on the weeks end of that scale.
I don't claim to be very intelligent, but I am usually smart enough. Still yet, I was fucking stupid enough to some how think that after watching my father wither away to nothing two years ago to cancer, that somehow it would be easier this time somehow.
I get texts from friends asking how I am doing. I tell them "fine, I am always fine" because I don't know what else to tell them. I don't know how to answer that question.
People want to visit her, but they cannot without me bringing them in. Nothing to do with restrictions or even her wishes, but they are all scared of being so close to death, even if they don't say it. I play the rock for them, because I always play the rock, but honestly I don't know what they all expect of me.
I hide in books, video games, movies, headphones and comic books. And here. I can just pretend as if my family isn't slowly getting smaller every few years. I can pretend I am not just counting the days and wondering if next it will be my last parent's turn at cancer or soon, my last siblings turn with it.
I know what Survivor's Guilt is and I understand it well. I have always had many friends but have still managed to be a loner. I have no kids like my father did, as my sister does. I have no wife as my father did. I would easily had rather been in their places, so they could remain the pillars of their families.
People ask me why they don't see me around much, they miss me and we should get together. The last four and half years of my life have been spent watching people lose miserably to cancer, I can' t be the joking person of old they want me to be. I have tried but I just end up sick with physical manifestations of anxiety and depression. I know, I should be out cherishing life after dealing with death for so long, but it isn't working that way right now for me.
I am not sure what to do about anything right now.
That will end my rant.
Cheers and good night folks.
Brian Scott.
This will be dismal.
Friday afternoon we took my sister to the hospice center, which will now be her final home.
Her daughters have been up to visit her, but they are seven and eight and do not understand what her being there means. They do not understand that their mother will never see them be anything more than seven and eight.
She is splitting symptoms that place her between a few weeks left to a possible month. She is progressing quickly, even in the few days she has been there, so I am placing her on the weeks end of that scale.
I don't claim to be very intelligent, but I am usually smart enough. Still yet, I was fucking stupid enough to some how think that after watching my father wither away to nothing two years ago to cancer, that somehow it would be easier this time somehow.
I get texts from friends asking how I am doing. I tell them "fine, I am always fine" because I don't know what else to tell them. I don't know how to answer that question.
People want to visit her, but they cannot without me bringing them in. Nothing to do with restrictions or even her wishes, but they are all scared of being so close to death, even if they don't say it. I play the rock for them, because I always play the rock, but honestly I don't know what they all expect of me.
I hide in books, video games, movies, headphones and comic books. And here. I can just pretend as if my family isn't slowly getting smaller every few years. I can pretend I am not just counting the days and wondering if next it will be my last parent's turn at cancer or soon, my last siblings turn with it.
I know what Survivor's Guilt is and I understand it well. I have always had many friends but have still managed to be a loner. I have no kids like my father did, as my sister does. I have no wife as my father did. I would easily had rather been in their places, so they could remain the pillars of their families.
People ask me why they don't see me around much, they miss me and we should get together. The last four and half years of my life have been spent watching people lose miserably to cancer, I can' t be the joking person of old they want me to be. I have tried but I just end up sick with physical manifestations of anxiety and depression. I know, I should be out cherishing life after dealing with death for so long, but it isn't working that way right now for me.
I am not sure what to do about anything right now.
That will end my rant.
Cheers and good night folks.
Brian Scott.