Allo Allo,
I have not made an entry for quite some time.
I guess the first and most important thing to be said is that my father is no more. He passed away or more simply died after a painful battle with pancreatic cancer. It was an awful thing having to watch him suffer and not be able to do anything other than try to distract him. My father was my life long best friend and the single most important person in my family and life. He was not just this to me either, my mother and siblings feel the same way even if they will not come out and say it (for fear of offending the rest of us). Life somehow keeps going on, but things just seem so very different now. Everywhere I look are constant reminders of how he shaped my life and started me into the things I enjoy in life from my exceedingly nerdy love of various musical styles to my reading habits, to my love of all things horror to my simple joy in finding wheat pennies in the drawers at work and even to my great love of the curves that belong to women. Some days it is so very hard to complete even the simplest of tasks and sometimes I even have to more or less shut down my brain and function mindlessly to maintain at work. It has been nearly four months now and these feelings are not going away. My behavior is also changing as time is passing. I have become much more quiet and reclusive, hardly leaving the house for anything but work. My friends have been trying to get me out and to participate in things, but even when I do give in, I just feel more of an outsider than normal.
The worst part was being in the room with him when actually died. He was in such bad shape and he felt so bad that my mother and sister couldn't look him in the eyes because it hurt them so much. He was in so much pain and barely even able to breath on his own. He asked to say his goodbyes to us each separately, but even that was taken from us by the cancer as he was only able to talk loud enough if he had his oxygen mask off but if he had his oxygen mask off his brain would not get enough oxygen and he was not able to make any sense. All he managed to say to me was that he wanted me to look out for my mother and that he wanted his oxygen turned off, the rest was nonsense. The nurses could not turn off his oxygen though because he was not in hospice care (due to the no availability of beds) so he had to remove his mask himself. My brother and mother kept putting it back on his face against his wishes until I wouldn't let them do it anymore. He couldn't take the pain anymore and could not handle being a husk of the man he was. Before he actually died, he was gasping for air like a fish out of water. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, to watch that, to be the main aiding cause in allowing that.
Things just are different now.
To continue with the past few entries, here are the track lists for two more mx cds.
----------MX 16: Animal Cracker Parade----------
01. Choking Victim "Crack Rock Steady"
02. Justice "Tthhee Ppaarrttyy"
03. Jeremy Enigk "Been Here Before"
04. Baron Zen "Money"
05. Boy Sets Fire "Unspoken Request"
06. Wildchild "Heartbeat (w Oh No)"
07. Okkervil River "Omie Wise"
08. Van She "Kelly"
09. Symarip "Skinhead Girl"
10. Sage Francis "Runaways (Gruvis Malt '03)"
11. Mike Doughty "Real Love/It's Only Life"
12. Suicidal Tendencies "Send Me Your Money"
13. The Eagles "In the City"
14. Dawn Penn "You Don't Love Me (No, No, No)"
15. Reverend Horton Heat "Reverend Horton Heat's Big Blue Car"
16. Loretta Lynn "Van Lear Rose"
17. Cage "Agent Orange"
18. Cyndi Lauper "When You Were Mine"
19. Bonde do Role "Salto o Frango"
20. Chad VanGaalen "Echo Train"
21. The Hold Steady "Certain Songs"
----------MX 17: Digging for Soup----------
01. Grand Buffet "Oh My God You're Weird"
02. Bad Brains "Pay to Cum"
03. Bruce Springsteen "O Mary Don't You Weep"
04. You Say Party! We Say Die! "Monster"
05. Turbulence "Notorious (7" Mx)"
06. The Quakes "I Don't Come From Nowhere"
07. Blur "Country House"
08. Okkervil River "Westfall"
09. The Streets "Let's Push Things Forward"
10. Black Dahlia Murder "Closed Casket Requiem"
11. The Pogues "The Old Main Drag"
12. The Beatles "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"
13. Boy 8-Bit "The Cricket Scores"
14. Ghost Mice "English Channel"
15. Shout Out Louds "Impossible"
16. Madness "House of Fun"
17. Hold Steady "One for the Cutters"
18. Murs "A Friend's Blues"
19. Bloc Party "Like Eating Glass"
20. Sedition "Nobody"
Noise:
MGMT "Kids"
The Pixies "Hey"
Japanther "Cable Babies"
The Bloody Beetroots "I Love the Bloody Beetroots (Radio Edit)"
Wolves "13"
Love is All "So Far Away"
and
The Kinks "Don't You Fret"
I have not made an entry for quite some time.
I guess the first and most important thing to be said is that my father is no more. He passed away or more simply died after a painful battle with pancreatic cancer. It was an awful thing having to watch him suffer and not be able to do anything other than try to distract him. My father was my life long best friend and the single most important person in my family and life. He was not just this to me either, my mother and siblings feel the same way even if they will not come out and say it (for fear of offending the rest of us). Life somehow keeps going on, but things just seem so very different now. Everywhere I look are constant reminders of how he shaped my life and started me into the things I enjoy in life from my exceedingly nerdy love of various musical styles to my reading habits, to my love of all things horror to my simple joy in finding wheat pennies in the drawers at work and even to my great love of the curves that belong to women. Some days it is so very hard to complete even the simplest of tasks and sometimes I even have to more or less shut down my brain and function mindlessly to maintain at work. It has been nearly four months now and these feelings are not going away. My behavior is also changing as time is passing. I have become much more quiet and reclusive, hardly leaving the house for anything but work. My friends have been trying to get me out and to participate in things, but even when I do give in, I just feel more of an outsider than normal.
The worst part was being in the room with him when actually died. He was in such bad shape and he felt so bad that my mother and sister couldn't look him in the eyes because it hurt them so much. He was in so much pain and barely even able to breath on his own. He asked to say his goodbyes to us each separately, but even that was taken from us by the cancer as he was only able to talk loud enough if he had his oxygen mask off but if he had his oxygen mask off his brain would not get enough oxygen and he was not able to make any sense. All he managed to say to me was that he wanted me to look out for my mother and that he wanted his oxygen turned off, the rest was nonsense. The nurses could not turn off his oxygen though because he was not in hospice care (due to the no availability of beds) so he had to remove his mask himself. My brother and mother kept putting it back on his face against his wishes until I wouldn't let them do it anymore. He couldn't take the pain anymore and could not handle being a husk of the man he was. Before he actually died, he was gasping for air like a fish out of water. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, to watch that, to be the main aiding cause in allowing that.
Things just are different now.
To continue with the past few entries, here are the track lists for two more mx cds.
----------MX 16: Animal Cracker Parade----------
01. Choking Victim "Crack Rock Steady"
02. Justice "Tthhee Ppaarrttyy"
03. Jeremy Enigk "Been Here Before"
04. Baron Zen "Money"
05. Boy Sets Fire "Unspoken Request"
06. Wildchild "Heartbeat (w Oh No)"
07. Okkervil River "Omie Wise"
08. Van She "Kelly"
09. Symarip "Skinhead Girl"
10. Sage Francis "Runaways (Gruvis Malt '03)"
11. Mike Doughty "Real Love/It's Only Life"
12. Suicidal Tendencies "Send Me Your Money"
13. The Eagles "In the City"
14. Dawn Penn "You Don't Love Me (No, No, No)"
15. Reverend Horton Heat "Reverend Horton Heat's Big Blue Car"
16. Loretta Lynn "Van Lear Rose"
17. Cage "Agent Orange"
18. Cyndi Lauper "When You Were Mine"
19. Bonde do Role "Salto o Frango"
20. Chad VanGaalen "Echo Train"
21. The Hold Steady "Certain Songs"
----------MX 17: Digging for Soup----------
01. Grand Buffet "Oh My God You're Weird"
02. Bad Brains "Pay to Cum"
03. Bruce Springsteen "O Mary Don't You Weep"
04. You Say Party! We Say Die! "Monster"
05. Turbulence "Notorious (7" Mx)"
06. The Quakes "I Don't Come From Nowhere"
07. Blur "Country House"
08. Okkervil River "Westfall"
09. The Streets "Let's Push Things Forward"
10. Black Dahlia Murder "Closed Casket Requiem"
11. The Pogues "The Old Main Drag"
12. The Beatles "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"
13. Boy 8-Bit "The Cricket Scores"
14. Ghost Mice "English Channel"
15. Shout Out Louds "Impossible"
16. Madness "House of Fun"
17. Hold Steady "One for the Cutters"
18. Murs "A Friend's Blues"
19. Bloc Party "Like Eating Glass"
20. Sedition "Nobody"
Noise:
MGMT "Kids"
The Pixies "Hey"
Japanther "Cable Babies"
The Bloody Beetroots "I Love the Bloody Beetroots (Radio Edit)"
Wolves "13"
Love is All "So Far Away"
and
The Kinks "Don't You Fret"
Hope you're having a great new year!
Your comment made me laugh.