noirin

clare, i decided that your noble sentiments put me to shame - why should i write for an invisible audience that means i take pains to avoid the alien nation? when in fact you are all the audience i ever wanted? this way i can address myself to you directly and in doing so will feel much like dale cooper addressing the mythical 'diane' in his dictophone memos. so i dedicate this page to you and to communication, so you can feel the joy i feel in knowing that there is a page written almost by design for me!

so today bombed, i wasn't hungover exactly because i joined you on the sleep deprivation trip and read the unbearable lightness of being which was quite frankly my dear, unbearable. in many respects. so i went to work in THE WORST state of mind and i can't get over why i do this schizophrenic alternating between WEEE and PISS OFF. both generally directed at myself AND anyone unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. but stewart has this crazy immunity to it and decided to cheer me up by sexually harassing me, which usually gets me to fight him which always cheers me up. so he saved the day in the end but he's applying for a job in IT and if he gets i will be desolate. but i can't exactly hope that he doesn't coz i do actually care what happens to him!

hey the cool thing with this as well is that i can write LOADS if it's just for you and not expect for anyone else to keep up to date! but maybe sometimes you should check 'previous' at the top just to make sure you're at the latest entry. i read your excerpt and i am proud that you found that key in a whole 30 seconds [*cough*retard*cough*] how magical of you!

i too am impressed by your new found social skills, i wonder if maybe you took mine with you when you left for oxford? suddenly i have the social skills of a horse shit although at least i don't smell like one like ian my boss. stewart and i were contemplating on the way home tonight how best to make it known to ian that there is a real problem there; we decided if everyone gave him a can of lynx - no sorry, a whole crate each - then maybe he would get the hint...stewart suggested threatening to hand in his notice if our boss doesn't have words, which sounds fair.

clare i need you to design for me a project. you know what this must involve; i need something i can totally apply myself to that has no fixed time agenda and has an ongoing end result. even if it's really pointless like a novella on london transport with daily updates. but something i can DO to give me some sort of MEANING. you can't imagine how sick this gets. i miss regulation and order mixed with use of the brain. i think i'm becoming braindead, my cells are retarding. maybe i should compose a poetry anthology for you wherein all the poems are selected/written for their subject matter of gardens. and savage ones for you. yes maybe i should write you a book. that's the sort of thing i'm looking for here. the more communication or rather judgement appears to be involved the better, i like an element of external evaluation as well but obviously only something where people are gonna go 'WOW YOU FUCKING ROCK!' and you will be those people. tee hee. we can save sooo much on our phonebills this way, i totally dig it. because i know you can read how i type and vice versa so it cuts the crap with secondary form of communication blah and means i can get everything across succinctly. then we can run up huge phonebills *evaluating* the stuff we write. how super!

on a side note, i was really touched because while i was in my volatile i am about to die of rage moment today, another bloke in the company was icqing me asking if i was ok and i was like NO I HAVE NO LIFE AND NO FRIENDS AND I AM RAGE INCARNATE et cetera etc and so he rang me up at work to talk to me and console me. that and stewart lecturing me about my bad posture somehow reminded me that i am in fact mental. and other people are ok really. quality. oh joy i can't wait for tomorrow morning! it's all periods you know. k now i'm gonna ring josh so if you call me call mein mobile. *mwah* xxx