noirin

i'm getting really tired of so much at the moment. i never seem to have time to sleep because i always think i can catch up another day and that day never comes. then i work my fucking guts out for a boss who won't let me leave early when i work bare overtime as it is unpaid. and then threatens to cut down staff when i say i wanna leave. grr. i'm tired of feeling like there's a void waiting to engulf me, like it's a battle of wills. maybe i'm confronting the Dark Side and this is in fact my training to become a Jedi, now that would make it all worthwhile...

i'm feeling better than i have in days mind you. partly due to the minimal contact i get with other people on this site; i have so little time for personal interaction, though i deal with people day in day out who don't give a crap about what i have to say. i'm not bitter or anything but it does get wearing not ever getting any human input on stuff. like say i wanna know what hairdo looks best with this dress - i have nobody to ask! nobody to tell me i'm shit at cooking, nobody to hug me when i just feel this huge sense of LOSS, nobody to call up and say they miss me. hm this is turning into a self-indulgent whining rant, i don't want that but i have been feeling SO MUCH stress of late, and become obsessed with cutting certain patterns into my hips, which in itself concerns me a little. i'm a cyclical depressive who doesn't believe in depression so i get into these slightly schizophrenic pseudo-introspecive psychoanalytical phases and this happens to be one of them. and anyone bored enough to stumble by my journal bears the brunt muhahaha!

i get jealous of my boyfriend saying he wants to do other women even though he means it like a compliment to them rather than an expression of desire. is that normal?

ok so i have a boyfriend, but we both work a lot which is why i can still feel lonely a lot of the time. plus he is my only friend so i gotta rely on him for the girly talk as well, and sometimes only actual female girls can do that right. i miss girl-company!

i also miss these really great pastry things they used to make in spain, they were like croissants but filled with this kinda applesauce and dipped in chocolate at the pointed ends. sounds really simple but i've never found anything like it in england and they were the nicest food ever. my new favourite food is this great pre-made couscous salad that waitrose do. that or plain lentils. mmmm!

what can i say, it's 2am my time and i'm tired. i started by saying that! so rambles DO tend to occur...xxx