noahzark

Why am I friend with Steeeev?


So I had not been home in about 4 years and a few days after my arrival I hung out with Steve. He asked me for some recommendations for some new bands for him to listen to. I suggested a few Indie Rock bands because Steve hates most main stream music as do I. Later that night after he had downloaded the albums I had suggested he wrote me a 7 or 8 part text message telling me how much of a loser I was for listening to this music and how he feels as though his ears were raped and pillaged by this cacophony that I had mislead him to believe was good music. Now I know Steev well enough to know that this is just how he is, so I just laughed.



I finished out my visit to the states and headed back to Israel not hearing from Steeev for about a month and then I get this message from him:



DEARN OAH



That band Bishop Allen is the sonic image of a guy who is attempting to jerk off, but gives up halfway through because his arm is literally too weak to continue and he can't achieve an actual erection. It is the first band in the genre of masturbatory impotencecore. It is the music of someone who just barely has the presence of spirit to get out of bed and whine into a microphone. It is shit. Shit.





Apparently there is a guy in Broken Bells who covered a jay z album in such a way to remove everything that suggested that interacting with your audience is good. No, I take that back. He covered it in such a way to remove everything that suggested that interacting with your audience exists as a coherent concept. This was mixed up with some of the more ambivalent, mediocre moog covers of Beatles songs that have ever asked the question "Should I put effort into making music?" Well, his current project, Broken Bells, answers the stuttering elevatorcore fuck out of that snobcore / limppop question. Thanks, DJ Shithead! Oh, well it appears he isn't listening.



Speaking of not listening, the rest of the music you suggested reminded me of the music on the Voyager space probe. Not because it was important or interesting parts of our musical culture that I wanted to share with aliens. Ha ha. Fuck no. But because I wanted to gather all this music up and put it on a big rocket and shoot it away from Earth at the fastest speed I could possibly manage, so that it could sit there, forever, in an empty void so terrifying and meaningless that 'eternal blackness' and 'nothing' are terms too loaded to clearly explain it.



I miss you.





Andrew turned me on to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.







I literally did laugh out loud, then responded with this:



Dear Steeeeeeeev,





Let me start off by saying that I miss you and even though we did not get to hang out a lot while I was there it was great to see you. Now let me move on to saying that your little music review was hilarious, now let me continue to say that you are such a fucking sack of rotten walrus shit and you should be beaten with pieces of rusty re-bar by a gaggle of Mexican children while you are dressed up as a cliche Navajo chief piata until something resembling candy comes out of you. You asked me for some new bands then you talk shit about them directly after you download them and then also spend a month crafting another (albeit funny) insult. Next time you want some music recommendations why don't you shove a kazoo up your ass while gagging on dick. I don't mean this in an offensive way I am just saying that your taste is so fucking bad that I sincerely think you might like the sound of that. This is an honest to God recommendation. You could probably even become internet famous if you were to you tube it.



Hope to see you soon, hope all is well and I hope that you can find a kazoo that will not irritate your mangina sooooo much.



Oh and You like the yeah yeah yeahs......... you can't like them and talk shit about other people's music.









And this is why Steev and I are friends.

And Steev if you ever read this fuck you!