A few of you of have been wondering where I have been lately since I am usually all over this site, commenting and updating my status on a more than regular basis. Let us play a quick game of catch up. I want to start off on a good note before I bum anyone out. A few weeks ago I had a little bit of a life altering conversation. The kind of thing that just reaffirmed what I already knew, but seeing as how it came from some one that I respected in a way it made me feel okay with doing what does not seem to be okay. Does that make sense? In layman's terms it means I unregistered from school and will not be attending this year. I still plan on going to school, and I still plan on studying art just in a different way, a different path. On the outside it seems like a bad or neutral change in my life but trust me, I can tell that this is the correct path. The one that will supply me with the most joy out of life in the end.
During approximately the the same time we had to call an ambulance to take my grandmother to the hospital because she was complaining of chest pains and arm pains... obviously we though she was having a heart attack. She spent about a week in hospital undergoing tests. The doctors found out that she had a rather large blood clot in her arm and also discovered that had her cancer had returned. It has metastasized. It is in her bones, and it will shortly spread to her lungs and liver. Since I have moved out here a little less than 3 years ago she has not been in good shape and I have watched her gradually get worse and worse but at a rate that for some reason I had deemed acceptable for some one her age. However since she has returned from the hospital not one day goes by that I do not notice a severe decline in her physical and mental being. If for some reason I do not see her for more than one day, seeing her again for the first time is almost unbearable. The other day I was having a conversation with my dad about how she was doing, He lives in the states still so he goes off of what my mom and I tell him via email and phone calls. I cannot even recall which one of us said it despite the fact that this conversation was hardly more than 24 hours ago but the sentence "I honestly doubt she will make it past October" was said during this conversation and it kind of realized things for me. The worst part about it is that she is suffering. A lot. This is a woman who has done so much during her life, overcome things that we cannot fathom, we could not imagine in our nightmares. Being kicked out of your home when you are 14 years old by Nazi soldiers, watching family members murdered in front of your eyes, running for 7 years with what remained of your family all over foreign countries, then finally coming to a country basically built for you and ending up having to build her way up from literally living in a tent for over a year... literally from nothing to having a decent life, having 2 children and then having the only man that she ever loved, die. After my grand father died she became more than depressed. I have never seen anything like it in my life and to be honest I cannot blame her. The story of her and my grandfather is the kind of love that you could not write because no one would believe it.... it is the kind of love that I think doesn't exist anymore. After losing the man that meant the most to her she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had a long hard battle with it and in the end won. This is just a small drop of what she has gone through so far, just a taste so to see her suffering so much informs me that there is a pain inside of her the likes of which I cannot begin to comprehend. Since I have moved here I have tried to play the good yet "tough lovey" grandson and tried to get her to go for walks and watch her diet. These days are over. I am now just doing my damndest to make her as happy as possible because there reaches a point where fuck the diet, fuck the exercise.... Get me some ice cream and morphine please.
I love you grandma Anna
During approximately the the same time we had to call an ambulance to take my grandmother to the hospital because she was complaining of chest pains and arm pains... obviously we though she was having a heart attack. She spent about a week in hospital undergoing tests. The doctors found out that she had a rather large blood clot in her arm and also discovered that had her cancer had returned. It has metastasized. It is in her bones, and it will shortly spread to her lungs and liver. Since I have moved out here a little less than 3 years ago she has not been in good shape and I have watched her gradually get worse and worse but at a rate that for some reason I had deemed acceptable for some one her age. However since she has returned from the hospital not one day goes by that I do not notice a severe decline in her physical and mental being. If for some reason I do not see her for more than one day, seeing her again for the first time is almost unbearable. The other day I was having a conversation with my dad about how she was doing, He lives in the states still so he goes off of what my mom and I tell him via email and phone calls. I cannot even recall which one of us said it despite the fact that this conversation was hardly more than 24 hours ago but the sentence "I honestly doubt she will make it past October" was said during this conversation and it kind of realized things for me. The worst part about it is that she is suffering. A lot. This is a woman who has done so much during her life, overcome things that we cannot fathom, we could not imagine in our nightmares. Being kicked out of your home when you are 14 years old by Nazi soldiers, watching family members murdered in front of your eyes, running for 7 years with what remained of your family all over foreign countries, then finally coming to a country basically built for you and ending up having to build her way up from literally living in a tent for over a year... literally from nothing to having a decent life, having 2 children and then having the only man that she ever loved, die. After my grand father died she became more than depressed. I have never seen anything like it in my life and to be honest I cannot blame her. The story of her and my grandfather is the kind of love that you could not write because no one would believe it.... it is the kind of love that I think doesn't exist anymore. After losing the man that meant the most to her she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had a long hard battle with it and in the end won. This is just a small drop of what she has gone through so far, just a taste so to see her suffering so much informs me that there is a pain inside of her the likes of which I cannot begin to comprehend. Since I have moved here I have tried to play the good yet "tough lovey" grandson and tried to get her to go for walks and watch her diet. These days are over. I am now just doing my damndest to make her as happy as possible because there reaches a point where fuck the diet, fuck the exercise.... Get me some ice cream and morphine please.
I love you grandma Anna
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yes, Ninja burger!!!! soon... have a couple of test to sort out this and next week, but is is all good...
the driving test is next monday, morning.... after that i'll need to get a car... or at least invest in a weekend rental to do the whole driving expedition stopping for food... are all those places open in shabbat my fellow foody?