nmatte

I don't know what's going on anymore,

Have you ever felt like you don't know what to do. I mean not like when you have the hardest decision to make, or any decision at all. Have you ever felt like you don't know what you want anymore. Have you ever got to where you want to be, and sat back and thought , "is this it, is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life." And it doesn't stop there. When you sit and think what you want to do next you have no fucking clue. you think to yourself I could do this job, but what would be the point, where would I find the end there.

What if on top of that you found the love of your life, and you were living your perfect relationship together, but it came to an ubrupt end. What if you had to leave her for a year because your doing your dream job, and you make many new friends and have the time of your life, but when you return all you do is fight with her. And in the end, even though your still friends, you feel like she wants nothing to do with you. And then your left all alone, your friends all gone, but a few that were transfered with you.

Add about half a year to this timeline. Now you feel your past all your old feelings. Now you've lived through your small dipression, and you feel you have a new outlook on life. You want to try new things, go in diferent directions to escape your past, and suddenly nothing fits. Now you feel your job has become the shackles of your life. It isn't the same it once was when everyone was your friend and wanted to work towards the same goals to get the job done. Now all anyone cares about is themselves and their own personal gain. Nobody has a commitment to what they do. All of your friends that are left, even though they stick by you like they always have, are finding their own way now. They are finding the people that they want to be with, and you are left to fend for yourself. The thing that you once had is all around you and all you can do is watch. It's making you feel alone even though you aren't. You meet new sexual companions every now and then, but it isn't the same as having someone with you who wants to do something with you, and won't leave you wanting more the next day, but it's all over. And at the same time you don't know if you want that again, going through what you had to endure the last time. Your learning to like your space even though it's empty. And every new companion you meet you wonder, "is she it, is she going to be the one that is perfect for me?" At this time you want to treat her like she is but you soon realize that she's not going to be. And so your getting over the fact and you begin to wait, instead of looking for Mrs. Right.

And in the end all these questions add up. What is there left? You feel like you've done it all, but yet there is so much more waitng and you know it' and you want to go do it, but you don't know where to begin. You feel like you want to leave everything you worked so hard to get to but you feel like you can't. I mean you worked so hard to get there, and now you don't know if you start something new if it will amount to anything. it makes you feel hopeless, and you know your not, but all you want to do is sit back and go, "what's next?" I don't know, I really don't know.

And please don't comment to this if all you going to say is, "your still young, you have a lot of life to live," or "get a grip you emotional bastard."




P.S. I really should get my head looked at, the migranes from the time me and another guy bumped heads really hard in a mosh pit are starting to get annoying.