June 14, 2005, my parents and my fianc left early in the morning for Lena Meijer Heart Center. I went through a lengthy check-in process, including giving my advance directives. There was a lot of waiting.
The tech who was supposed to perform my transesophageal echocardiogram didn't show, and so the same cardiologist who performed the surgery did it instead. I don't remember it, because they knocked me out.
They woke me up for the actual surgery, although I guess I shouldn't really call it a surgery. There was what seemed to be a gigantic monitor right in front of my face that showed my heart, and it was so big it certainly must explain the terrible pressure on my chest. The cardiologist made two incisions the size of pencil erasers on either side of my mons and threaded catheters up to my heart. I still think it's funny that the holes on the outside are smaller than the one in the inside. A sudden flurry of activity. "She's allergic to latex!" "What's your reaction?" I responded, it seemed like a million times, a rash, a rash, a rash. "What is your reaction!?" Then they wouldn't leave me alone to go to sleep,
Two male nurses wheeled me up to my room. I was so proud of myself! I began to sing Eye of the Tiger and tried to get them to sing along. They were clearly embarrassed, but only told me to lie still and keep my arms down.
I was not allowed to bend my legs for six hours. At one point, I tried to use the bedpan, but trying to pee with my crotch slightly up and catheters sticking out of the front of me just didn't happen. Then someone (I have no idea who, a doctor or a nurse-- I like to think it was one of the guys too shy to sing with me) came in to remove my catheters. Think about a pencil, and then think about it sticking an inch or so inside of you. The strange thing about having those catheters removed was that I felt hot, as if my body just couldn't figure out what to do with the sensation anymore. But then I got to pee!
I slept. Doped up on morphine and adrenaline, in a haze, I explained to my mother that I had cleaned my apartment as if I weren't coming back, just in case I didn't. I don't remember this conversation. I had a beautiful view of the city from my room, and apparently as I drifted in and out, my family watched a serious car crash on the expressway, and then watched the hospital staff respond as the ambulances arrived.
The next morning, while talking with my mother and fianc, every so often they would ask, "where did you go?" or something along those lines. They told me that for just a moment, I would become so still that I looked like a doll, and they weren't even sure if I was still breathing. Of course, I was completely unaware of any lost time. The on-call neurologist said that a few absence seizures were probably the result of the anesthesia, but to check with my regular neurologist if they lasted longer.
I went though a gamut of tests, but they all checked out! I got to go home.
At first, I was thrilled about the change of color in my lips. They were actually pink. Amazing.
I'm looking for a specific journal entry I wrote about sleeping, and I found this, which I journaled because I thought it was so great:
me: I'm going to be a whole new person!
Nate: 99.5% human, .5% polyester
Here it is, from June 27, 2005:
According to my cardiologist, I am basically now a normal, healthy person. I can get my freak on, I will be able to carry a pregnancy, and resume normal activity from this point.
not necessarily in that order.
although....
ANYWAY! the procedure was a success. my cardiologist says that it is clear that the PFO was effecting my quality of life, and that I will be much better from now on.
for example, I now know what it means to wake up. never before in my life did I understand the experience of waking up. my experience of getting up in the morning involved a multiple hour transition from a semi-sleep state to a point a waking exhaustion. now, I actually know what's it's like to experience restful sleep for the first time in my life, and to have a seconds-long transition to a rested state of wakefullness! it's something that I really enjoy.
it's amazing.... I never even thought about how this procedure could change my world view.
June 30, 2005:
I can actually tell the difference between when I'm going through my day, winding down, and sleepy.
feeling tired now actually feels different than how I normally feel.
it's so weird!
and, finally July 19, 2005:
every day it gets better
This weekend, for the first time --ever-- in my life, I was able to bike up hills. I used to be a fit little kid, too. I once rode my bike several miles on a backpacking trip, but I still had to walk my bike up hills. I always thought I was just lazy
June 14, 2007
I'm getting prequalified for a mortgage today. Whatever taxi driver gets my ride is going to love me!
I finally feel ready to BE quit smoking. Chantix has been amazingly helpful. I think I've quit a thousand times, but this time, I'll finally be a non-smoker.
I'm contemplating baking a cake. Or cupcakes. Or buying myself flowers.
self-treats are great!
oh --- my link is fixed!
beware the increased item drops!
I continue to think that house is fucking ugly. I do not give a flying rat's ass how much work he put into it, it's still a technicolor dung heap in the middle of the New Jersey boonies.