nirbhao

The man who saved my soul: OSHO

I discovered OSHO entirely by accident. I wanted to understand what was going on in my confused world, and so I bought a tarot deck. After pondering the selection for nearly forty-five minutes, I decided on the transformation tarot, which is hardly a tarot deck at all. Instead of being an insight into the future or the past, it allows the reader to look inward. I bought the deck because of the word transformation, but I had no idea how powerful it actually could be.

Every parable in the accompanying book hit so hard with me I have given multiple copies of the deck away. My mother gave me Every Day OSHO, a book of short insights, which I read to help keep me grounded, and I have given away multiple copies of this book away. Hello, my name is Shine, and I'm a Tao Witness.

Actually, I'm not trying to sell anyone on any particular faith or religion, because that's not how faith works at all. For example, my parents find such peace in Catholicism I would never ask them to leave it. Faith is personal and beautiful, and I would never want it any other way.

What I do want to sell is the beauty of the universe, and if anyone can sell it, it's me.

The last time I talked to my brother, he said, "You don't have it as bad as you think you do," and thinking back on that makes me laugh a little. I had been crushed so hard so often that I honestly think suicide or permanent cynicism would have been excusable. This list has been recreated too many times, but I want to be trustworthy here, so let's do this little charade one last time:

1. first (non-consensual) kiss, 12
2. molestation, ending at age 16
3. violent rape, 16 and 21
4. skull fracture, 17
5. abusive relationship, 17
6. hysterical pregnancy / miscarriage, 18
7. diagnosis of bipolar disorder, 18
8. pedestrian v. auto accident, 19
9. transient ischemic attacks misdiagnosed as panic attacks, ? - 22
10. catastrophic stroke, 22
11. diagnosis of seizure disorder distinct from epilepsy, 22
12. diagnosis of grade V 14mm patent foramen ovale, 22
13. dismissal from law school, 22
14. inability to hold a job, 23

I spent the majority of my life hurt and angry, and I was tired of it. I knew that the girl I used to be, and the girl I wanted to be, was creative, positive, and full of art. Unfortunately, everything about my experience in this world was a complete and total lack of control. I had no control over my body, my emotions, or my heath-- sometimes not even over my consciousness, which was terrifying.

Throughout my life, I had moments of pure and total beauty. I worshipped by falling in love with the raindrops beading on leaves. I felt so at peace with the universe in those moments. But then my doctors put me on medication that disconnected me from the world, and I was miserable and angry.

And so, so angry.

I feel so much as if I've spent the past year waking up again. I have the ability to do more than cope, survive, and make it. I am making conscious decisions to be okay-- to be happy!-- be in love, and live.

I am in love, so in love. I am in love with the universe. I am a servant to the universe. I am the artist of the universe.

As long as I was entitled to something, I was denied. As long as I deserved, it was not delivered. If I was in competition, I was in agony. But, prostrate before the universe, breathless and without pride, that is when the joys are open to me. Only when I offer my whole self, forgiving, grateful, and receptive, the universe, in turn, bows before me, offering forgiveness, offering thanks, and open to the very core.

Only then do I realize what a truly humbling experience it is to be forgiven by the universe when I have offered it my forgiveness.