nirbhao

I'm currently listening to A Briefer History of Time on audiobook. it's fascinating.

it could be manic thoughts of grandiosity, it could be the fact that I am quite technically a genius who happened upon shcroedinger while a young teen, it could be because thoughts either bounce around in my head and then tear themselves onto the pages of my journals and blogs unoppossed, or it could be that I grew up watching star trek with my dad and am way too imaginative, but for some reason I think I have a damn good explanation of time and quantum physics fucking fascinates me.

and I get all excited about these ideas and I feel the need to write them down and tell everyone in the world and someone says, "that's a mindfuck," and I feel a little proud and I want them to challange me and they don't and someone says, "that's interesting," and I really don't care.

I guess I had a very zen morning because I made one of these realizations and I needed to tell someone. it was fantastic and awesome and lifechanging. epiphenomenom. a word I learned from Neitzche and felt often enough that I've totally invalidated it.

and I remembered a tarot card I pulled about not getting too caught up in our thoughts or feelings. it's been really helpful for the down stuff, letting it go and moving on. I didn't understand how it would help for the up stuff. but I realized that there are things I don't have to shout from the mountains even though they are terrific and incredible and earth shattering, even though those words have been used so often that they, too, have lost all of their meaning. some ideas are just for me, to bounce around inside my head and then tear themselves onto the pages of my journals, where I can put them to rest.

EDIT:
a few nights ago the cherry from my cigarette fell on to my tummy, and instead of brushing it off or swatting it out, being ...influenced... which caused other problems.... I looked at it, thought, "this is very bad. I really should get it off of me because it's burning me." at which point John said something about getting it off and I stopped the small human flesh bbq on my belly. or maybe he did it. I don't remember. I was drunk.

drunk is a bad place to be when you are in love with a sober recovering alcoholic.

we'll leave it at that.

so, if you're curious, I took a picture. I have nerves of steel when it comes to the gross factor so I really couldn't tell you if you should be worried or not, but I can let you know that I didn't crop out my fingers or belly button for location and size reference and also that the picture itself is fresh ala ten minutes ago. soooo...