let me first say that this is a very personal post. I have my own reasons for not putting it under a filter. I'm not going to ask you to filter your comments; I'm just alerting you.
I met a man today, and I met this man purely for my own selfish reasons. he has terminal brain cancer and yet he is going on with his life. he is actually quite hopeful and positive and I wanted to speak with him because I wanted to meet with someone else in this gigantic yet lonely world who knows what it is like to have their entire life plan thwarted by fate-- by health, no less-- and further I've spent so much time mourning I wanted to talk about how to live being happy, or at least okay.
I met him, and I was extremely distracted. work had been terrible. I was worried about my grandma, who is in the hospital right now (she is fine. she has an ulcer that is acting up) and I was worried about John. this man talked about his poetry, and he showed me Google Earth and some Power Points and then he went on and on about Buddhism. I just couldn't listen to that, and I wasn't getting what I wanted and so I left feeling largely disappointed.
then I went to meet up with John, who I love dearly, one of the most kind and gentle souls in the universe, and who has hope for the hopeless, and he was wasted. I was prepared to walk out on him Wednesday over his addictions, but because he wanted help getting help, my mom, his mom, and I worked together to get him information on treatment that might actually treat. he actually made the phone calls that he needed to make, and we had a fantastic weekend. everything was looking up. he was working so hard, doing everything right. but he knew, or at least I told him, that I would walk away if he used.
and tonight, as I was walking away, his landlord's dog came at me. this is the dog that left such severe bruises that my dad thought that John was beating me. over the weekend, the dog scratched my face. purely out of reaction, I grabbed the dog by its scruff and threw it a good three feet. the dog weighs about 90 pounds, so I'm actually surprised at my own strength. I know it's not the dog's fault that it's so aggressive, but that doesn't mean I want to at the receiving end of its aggression anymore. mmm.... symbolism.... anyway, as I drove away, John held the dog protectively. he told me that he saw my Mr. Hyde.
one time, a previous boyfriend and I were fighting-- not arguing, but fighting-- and he pounced on me. he later told me that he was going to give me a big hug and kiss or whatever (he pounced), but he failed to remember that I am a survivor of violent rape, and I reacted quite instinctually to remove him from my being. what I remember is trying to push him off of me. he told me that I hit him. we never came to an agreement on that.
John and I have exchanged a fair number of hurtful words via text message since, which isn't what I want.
I do believe that, in this absurd universe, if we pay attention, we can make some pretty solid connections and figure quite a bit out. for example, I understand why my boyfriend before John left me now. on the one hand, he could have done a whole hell of a lot more for both of us when I told him that I was no longer taking my medication, but on the other hand, I now understand the exhaustion of picking up the pieces of your partner. just which tomorrow is going to be the tomorrow that the partner makes the effort to do it him or herself? I did, eventually, do it myself, but I also had to lose everything. I had to make mistakes that I couldn't fix in order to learn that I had to do it myself.
this man I met tonight, when he was talking about Buddhism, talked about the yin and the yang of the universe. he talked about how if we don't see the light we can't see the dark and all that good stuff-- how all of the pain is the joke of the Laughing Buddha. I was the yin, and now I am the yang. I guess I can laugh now too? maybe not.
it hurt, physically, to walk out.
I will not allow the dog to attack me anymore. I will not be around John under the influence anymore. this is consistent. this is non-enabling. I'm not giving up.
John is testing his boundaries. will I do what I said I'm going to do? and the only way to reassure him, to build trust, is to show that, yes, I am going to do what I say, even if it kills me.
but if he needs to give up, that's his decision. the more time he spends under the influence, the less time he spends with me.
he can hold that dog until the bites require stitches.
I met a man today, and I met this man purely for my own selfish reasons. he has terminal brain cancer and yet he is going on with his life. he is actually quite hopeful and positive and I wanted to speak with him because I wanted to meet with someone else in this gigantic yet lonely world who knows what it is like to have their entire life plan thwarted by fate-- by health, no less-- and further I've spent so much time mourning I wanted to talk about how to live being happy, or at least okay.
I met him, and I was extremely distracted. work had been terrible. I was worried about my grandma, who is in the hospital right now (she is fine. she has an ulcer that is acting up) and I was worried about John. this man talked about his poetry, and he showed me Google Earth and some Power Points and then he went on and on about Buddhism. I just couldn't listen to that, and I wasn't getting what I wanted and so I left feeling largely disappointed.
then I went to meet up with John, who I love dearly, one of the most kind and gentle souls in the universe, and who has hope for the hopeless, and he was wasted. I was prepared to walk out on him Wednesday over his addictions, but because he wanted help getting help, my mom, his mom, and I worked together to get him information on treatment that might actually treat. he actually made the phone calls that he needed to make, and we had a fantastic weekend. everything was looking up. he was working so hard, doing everything right. but he knew, or at least I told him, that I would walk away if he used.
and tonight, as I was walking away, his landlord's dog came at me. this is the dog that left such severe bruises that my dad thought that John was beating me. over the weekend, the dog scratched my face. purely out of reaction, I grabbed the dog by its scruff and threw it a good three feet. the dog weighs about 90 pounds, so I'm actually surprised at my own strength. I know it's not the dog's fault that it's so aggressive, but that doesn't mean I want to at the receiving end of its aggression anymore. mmm.... symbolism.... anyway, as I drove away, John held the dog protectively. he told me that he saw my Mr. Hyde.
one time, a previous boyfriend and I were fighting-- not arguing, but fighting-- and he pounced on me. he later told me that he was going to give me a big hug and kiss or whatever (he pounced), but he failed to remember that I am a survivor of violent rape, and I reacted quite instinctually to remove him from my being. what I remember is trying to push him off of me. he told me that I hit him. we never came to an agreement on that.
John and I have exchanged a fair number of hurtful words via text message since, which isn't what I want.
I do believe that, in this absurd universe, if we pay attention, we can make some pretty solid connections and figure quite a bit out. for example, I understand why my boyfriend before John left me now. on the one hand, he could have done a whole hell of a lot more for both of us when I told him that I was no longer taking my medication, but on the other hand, I now understand the exhaustion of picking up the pieces of your partner. just which tomorrow is going to be the tomorrow that the partner makes the effort to do it him or herself? I did, eventually, do it myself, but I also had to lose everything. I had to make mistakes that I couldn't fix in order to learn that I had to do it myself.
this man I met tonight, when he was talking about Buddhism, talked about the yin and the yang of the universe. he talked about how if we don't see the light we can't see the dark and all that good stuff-- how all of the pain is the joke of the Laughing Buddha. I was the yin, and now I am the yang. I guess I can laugh now too? maybe not.
it hurt, physically, to walk out.
I will not allow the dog to attack me anymore. I will not be around John under the influence anymore. this is consistent. this is non-enabling. I'm not giving up.
John is testing his boundaries. will I do what I said I'm going to do? and the only way to reassure him, to build trust, is to show that, yes, I am going to do what I say, even if it kills me.
but if he needs to give up, that's his decision. the more time he spends under the influence, the less time he spends with me.
he can hold that dog until the bites require stitches.
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And, what did you miss? My last post was the only thing I posted about the neighbors, if that is what you meant. It is just that the boyfriend is always saying that illnesses are just excuses for not dealing with life & that I am fine. I have dealt with assholes like that before with being sick. Have you? I was hoping I wasn't the only one to come across such ignorant shitheads.
I am Buddhist too! Yay!!! It really is a peaceful way for me.