This has been an interesting week! I haven't updated as I have had "company" and sitting at a computer typing hasn't been on my list of things to do. But, yes of course it involves a man....One that I wasn't expecting at all! So, the really, really nice part of all of this is that I have an absolute complete and total crush on this person...Being me, there are all kinds of things which I am thinking of - disastrous, fiery endings, and happy endings...Not quite sure what to make of that. So far, the general advice from people has been to relax and enjoy. HA! Like I've ever been able to do that. I think what is surprising to me is that since my ex-b/f - I have made a very conscious effort to avoid ANY and ALL dating situations which have any potential for more than rolling around playing rough and tumble...Now I'm faced with actually liking (really, really, above and beyond just liking) someone...Yes, I will say it - I"m a control freak. At least emotionally, by staying in really safe easy situations with men, I keep complete and total control of how I feel. I find men that have bits and pieces of what I want - but not what I want in a complete person. That carries alot of intimacy with it and since my last crash and burn - I have avoided it. Not just avoided - but gone running the other way.
This is just a really long-winded way of saying I feel blindsided. My natural inclination is to do something outrageous just to avoid having to be close to him. To be with him and tell him about me, my hopes, my fears, now leaves me feeling exposed. I am already thinking of ways to avoid dealing with this because I am just not sure what being in a relationship means. Especially when there is a level of respect between us. While this makes me sound like a member of the bitter woman club (eek!!!!!) I have been friends with men I respect but not lovers. So, here's both in one person....Not easy....So once again, rambling thoughts from me as I try to get my head around all of this. Therein lies one issue I think - this is not a situation where my head should be doing all of the leading - I need to allow my heart to make decisions as well...hmmm...so....
He goes home today too. LDR
!!! So, that has me feeling sad, scared, unsure, indefinite...All of those things which I don't know what to do with. I can tell people how I act out on feelings (which I think alot of people do) but to actually just acknowledge how I feel and not let the feelings make the decisions is going to be hard. Odd - as I write this - I have just noticed that I will let the negative feelings run the decision-making and not the positive ones...Hmmm, that probably needs some thought...Blech! Way too self-indulgent at the moment...I just don't want to send him home...I have had the most amazing five days I have had in years!! I really mean that and I suppose by taking him home, that brings me back to reality...Making me wonder whether I just created this all in my own head...(well, not the his being here part - I mean he really has been) but the rest of it....Which again isjust my way of second-guessing and over-analyzing....I really wish my head came equipped with a stop button rather than a self-destruct one....so, that's it....For the moment...
This is just a really long-winded way of saying I feel blindsided. My natural inclination is to do something outrageous just to avoid having to be close to him. To be with him and tell him about me, my hopes, my fears, now leaves me feeling exposed. I am already thinking of ways to avoid dealing with this because I am just not sure what being in a relationship means. Especially when there is a level of respect between us. While this makes me sound like a member of the bitter woman club (eek!!!!!) I have been friends with men I respect but not lovers. So, here's both in one person....Not easy....So once again, rambling thoughts from me as I try to get my head around all of this. Therein lies one issue I think - this is not a situation where my head should be doing all of the leading - I need to allow my heart to make decisions as well...hmmm...so....
He goes home today too. LDR
!!! So, that has me feeling sad, scared, unsure, indefinite...All of those things which I don't know what to do with. I can tell people how I act out on feelings (which I think alot of people do) but to actually just acknowledge how I feel and not let the feelings make the decisions is going to be hard. Odd - as I write this - I have just noticed that I will let the negative feelings run the decision-making and not the positive ones...Hmmm, that probably needs some thought...Blech! Way too self-indulgent at the moment...I just don't want to send him home...I have had the most amazing five days I have had in years!! I really mean that and I suppose by taking him home, that brings me back to reality...Making me wonder whether I just created this all in my own head...(well, not the his being here part - I mean he really has been) but the rest of it....Which again isjust my way of second-guessing and over-analyzing....I really wish my head came equipped with a stop button rather than a self-destruct one....so, that's it....For the moment...
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
go with your instincts, and LDR are possible! im trying to make it work!
Its totally natural to avoid close relationships after a severe crash and burn, even if its years ago.
Its like having a nasty near fatal car wreak. Takes a long time to get back behind the wheel and in the meantime you'll take any mode of transport that gets you where you want to be as long as its not a car!!
I am always on the other side of this condundrum and my challenge is to try to understand people's inclination to run away from things they like.
I'm getting there...
I am often told this: 'Somebody who can't touch your heart can't break it'.
As the phone is then slammed down or my number deleted, I try to say this: 'Its quite likely that somebody who can touch your heart will try their best to keep it intact'.
What I'm saying is that nobody ever said happiness is easy. Otherwise everyone would have it.
Don't accept the temptation to choose ease over risk.
Enjoy what you have. If it leads to happiness, great.
If it doesn't, still great.
If it leads to happiness then hurt, well, whether you win a couple of coins or a jackpot, you have to risk a quarter in the slot machine to stand any chance.
You know how your thought processes work- mine are the same: I provide other people positive feedback but only have negative expectations for myself.
I've come to realise that my head is wrong, its like a director of a company who would rather be on the golf course than in the office- the less work the better, even if a little more work will have meant soaring profits.
I've been trying to ignore my head and go with my heart because that's the worker who deserves the positive bonuses.
Its not easy tho.
You like the guy. Don't expect or weigh up, just go for it.